Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics

Hey, weirdos! Are you bummed because you didn't get accepted into Hogwarts or whatever the X-Men school is called? Well, now you can enroll in the next best thing: Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics!

For just 500 unrefundable dollars, you can take online classes and study subjects ranging from Astrology, Numerology, and Dream Interpretation to Psychic Development, Soul Travel (course description: "contact us for more information"), and something called "Unicorn Light Healing." Please note that if you took AP Mysticism and Spellwork in high school, your credits will not transfer.

All lessons are taught via Skype by Unicorn Cove's owner/founder/headmaster Ahura Z. Diliiza, a strange, mystical conman who appears to have escaped from the pages of the world's shittiest sci-fi novel. He claims to be a master metaphysician, paranormal expert, and natural telepath, plus he teaches Tai Chi and various styles of dance "including belly dance, Hula, hip-hop, urban, ballroom and interpretive." Damn, this guy is a quindecuple threat... how did he get to be so cool?!? Check out this awesome origin story he wrote about himself:

As a young man he received 6 years of intensive training under a great teacher who taught him to focus his gifts and enhance them. He later came to develop his own form of mysticism he calls Unicorn Light Mysticism, which promotes positivity, strength and personal evolution.

That great teacher wouldn't happen to be named Dumbledore, would he?

Unicorn Cove also provides a number of services, including exorcisms, prayer vigils, telepathic readings, and the use of Unicorn Light to heal injured animals. But in addition to this standard stuff, they've also come up with some experimental methods! For example, remember playing your Game Boy under the covers at night to distract yourself from your parents fighting in the other room? Ahura Z does, and he has developed it into "video game therapy," which he claims has "a positive effect on almost any malady when used correctly." Who needs a real therapist when you've got Dr. Mario??

Once you've taken all the martial arts, strength training, telepathy, and unicorn healing classes, you can join Ahura Z on the Unicorn Rangers Psychic Police force and basically become a Ghostbuster. Your duties include severing/sealing unwanted astral links, eradicating "vampirism and vampiric connections," and defending "the sanctity of free will." Oh, and perhaps most importantly, you must "get rid of the Nightmare." (?) Or you could save some time and check into an insane asylum. Your choice.

*Thanks to Chris for suggesting this site!

– Adam "rubber cat" Jameson (@robbercat)