Actually My Garden is Supposed to Look Like Shit

Happy October! My garden truly looks like shit. There are a bunch of empty paint buckets tipped over and they have filled up with rainwater and the rainwater has mixed with the dried paint residue and formed a sort of white film over the exposed soil. But guess what - that's on purpose actually,

PHIZ KALIFA

wow are you surprised, that huge pile of dead brush staining my vinyl siding is an intentional design choice? thanks for pointing it out though, its called a stickery. they used to have them in victorian england, i like it because it makes my garden feel steampunk. spiders live inside there and they eat all the mosquitos, so you don't even need to slather yourself in poison if u sit next to it

PHIZ KALIFA

yeah thanks chad i KNOW my tomatoes look like "some kinda bilge-soaked plague-fucked rat king" what with their complete lack of cage and rampant blight. ummmmm ever heard of a little thing called "permaculture??" basically u create a permanent culture of plants hardy enough to survive all possible abuse and neglect. those super sweet 100s i bought at a home depot clearance sale are gonna open pollenate with those other tomatoes i got at hole foods and make super strong fuckin invincible iron clad badass tomatoes which totlally ROCK your lunch time, mister. fuckin dry ass hamburger bitch try to step up to my fuckin garden i will shank him wiht my hari-hari knife. cabbage ass bitch. fuck u. ill fry ur brussel sprouts in garlic oil after slicing them in HALF. with my HARI-HARI KNIFE. 

PHIZ KALIFA

*removes glasses, rubs temples, facepalms* wow. really. you really just said that, to me. *facepalms, sighs heavily, rolls eyes while facepalming* yeah. yyou must not know who the fuck i am, im fuckin captain delphinium of the greater tri-county area garden comission. YES i am the only active member but thats only because the BACKSTABBING TRAITORS who comprise the greater tri-county area garden BOARD chickened out of my mutiny after the erstwhile "leader," Bridgett, refused to let me enter my Sour Diesel plants in the yearly 4-H contest.

little munchkin

oh, i'm sorry, was your mind just blown when I told you that I don't even care if my garden is up to your beauty standards? I'll try to let you down easier next time

PHIZ KALIFA

*while urinating out a window i refer to as 'Toilet Window'* i'm venmoing u $20 for yardwork because technically? this is fertilizer. youre' WELCOME.

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Crabgrass is actually really high in iron and vitamin C. Every try using you're brain for a moment?

little munchkin

they're not even cherry tomatoes, they're just extremely malnourished regular tomatoes. maybe next time you feel like criticizing you should get your facts straight first

ghost emoji

so this is where subway buys their lettuce

cda

before you criticize my potato, please understand that it's actually a gopher corpse, but yes, i am digging it up to eat it if you must know

City of Glompton

youre welcome for the free dandelions, by the way.

albany academy

Listen, I don't want to have to pay for fertilizer, this is just as good,so please stop calling bylaw on me for not picking up my dogs poop off my lawn and honestly if he gets it on your lawn I'd say you're pretty lucky because I haven't bothered to factor in cost of adoption, food, training, toys and other accessories to calculate the value of how much fertilizer you're getting for free, but if you really want me to i could start invoicing you, I have a freshbooks account I swear to god I will