Gamer; Extract

AN AWFUL WEEK IN MOVIES

In Theaters

• Apparently Let the Right One In convinced the world that Americans like all of their horror movies to be boring as shit, so now we get Carriers, a "horror-drama" about archetypes fleeing a nasty virus. Sure, it's getting good reviews, but sometimes energy and genre trappings are all modern horror films have going for them. Take those away and it's going to make for some pretty boring times at the multiplexes. Please don't be a trend, please don't be a trend, please don't be a trend...
• All About Steve is a piece of shit basking -- nee, rotting -- in the glory of its 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but was anyone surprised? Thomas Haden Church has co-star billing, which is a miracle in and of itself, but what stands as even a surer sign of the Second Coming is Sandra Bullock's awful bleach job, which, like this movie, is colorless.
  
• No Impact Man is the kind of documentary white couples love to make. Like Super Size Me before it, No Impact Man examines a privileged white man as he "sacrifices" his best-loved white-man things to "rough it." Not content to martyr himself for only a month, Colin Beavan out-martyrs Morgan Spurlock by martyring himself for a whole year. Funny, it only took three days for a black man to become the world's most-beloved martyr. Praise Jesus!
  

On Video

• Dance Flick takes aim at the hardest of targets, formulaic teen dramedies about kids who learn how to bust moves and bust condoms. No wonder it did so well with the critics!
• Ignore Gamer and watch Crank 2: High Voltage instead. The secret of Neveldine/Taylor's success? Endless electrocution gags and an aesthetic that rivals Oliver Stone's in hyperactiivty and sheer purposelessness.
• Valentino: The Last Emperor is like Bruno, without jokes or attempted sexual assaults on Ron Paul. In fewer words, worthless.

– Joseph "Jay Dub" Wade and Ben "Slvbarek" Altenberg