Subj: Dear E-Bay You Sent Me A Filthy Bed

This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

I am one Unhappy Customer Today !!!!!! The bed I got from your E-Bay company is a foul bed and I want my money back and to send the product back to your company. The delivery man showed up and the bed smells like a gross woman pulled over her motorcycle and gave birth on it in the rain and then when you flip it over it smells like the baby grew up on that side. A Bad Bed!!!!!!! Shame on you all!!!

This technology is to be used for the good of all creatures giant and small, not to swindle a hardworking man to the tune of $23.08.... none of you are out of high school I would say, judging by how you made a business selling laser pointers and coke bottles and street mattresses that have leaves stuck to them. I know 2 different paperboys in this town and Channel 3 Crime Busters interviewed me when I got a great deal on life insurance, and yes, you may consdier that to be a threat to the future of your office. I will go to the media and the Bogus Business Bureau!! I am outraged and will tell everyone to stay away!!!

If you think you can pull one over on me you better think twice and then a third time. I am a street wise and word smart professional who knows where his money goes and where the heart is. For example for lunch I went out and got a Clearance Special Heart Shaped Valentine's Day Pizza and washed it down with a batch of metamucil I drank from a ziploc bag. No cups, no bologna, no messing around!! If you think I'm going to settle for your style of bad business you've got another thing coming..... bozos!!!!

And no don't try to talk me out of my anger, I am no stranger to sleaze tycoons like yourself. In 2001 my wife was stolen from me by a man I can only describe as a husky amputee with a bowl cut and a secret passion for Woman's armpits. I remember every detail about his stupid life. He also had a wagon wheel in his front yard like a copycat buffoon!! I went home and immediately took my wagon wheels out and rolled them down the street. Who cares where they went, much like his arm that he probably always talks about. I have known people like that and they are always saying things like "Hey, I Have No Arm. It Is Gone And I Can't Use It. I Wonder Where My Arm Went. Where's My Arm" and so on. Hey Mr Boring Armgone, maybe you should watch TV more so we can all talk about normal people things and not ruin my surprise party anymore because your arm stub touched the icing on my cake and we had to throw the whole thing out even though you said it was just like normal skin but still it was very gross. I almost puked we had to dump it right away

I eagerly await the day i can confront you scum E-Bay salesman. "Who The Heck Are You" you would ask when I appear??? And I would say "Hmm..." then do a jump over you and put on my businesstime denim jacket in mid air, landing with arms crossed "Any questions?" of course not its your worst nightmare and he (me) just did a back flip up onto your car. Afraid yet? Even better i would like to get very buff and then die and haunt you and say my chant in a booming voice that echoes throughout your bedroom and time "im a tough beat cop thats tough to beat / with one big leg and one petite" and then rattle up your shelves a bit until you give my money back and say you are sorry for sending me to bed hell. You hve no idea the kind of enemy you have made today!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE MADDEST MAN IN TOWN

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)