We don't need no moon cheese baby!

Secrets of Comedy... Revealed!

I like to think that I'm somewhat good at writing, because on semi-regular occasions I have received cash payments for my services. It's almost like how garbagemen are hired based on how far they can throw bags of human waste; someone obviously thought that I had a skill which others lacked. I tend to leave the human waste hurling to trained professionals, or for special occasions like birthday parties of people I don't like, but I do know a little about being funny that I will share with the 2% of you who chose to read The Daily Dirt.

COMEDY: WHERE EAGLES DARE

How to be funny:

Watch the following:

• The Simpsons (Seasons 2-9)
• Strangers With Candy
• Mr. Show
• Upright Citizens Brigade
• Arrested Development
• King of the Hill
• Mystery Science Theater 3000
• Home Movies
• Futurama
• The Critic
• The Daily Show
• The Colbert Report

Avoid the following:

• Mind of Mencia
• SNL (yes, even the stuff from the 70s your parents liked because they were high)
• MadTV
• The Boondocks
• Robot Chicken
• The War At Home
• Fuck it, just don't watch 90% of TV

Yes, there are books you should read and avoid, but you've obviously discovered the internet, making books irrelevant! From here on, you just need to follow my advice for about ten years, all while spending an appalling amount of time alone. You may develop severe emotional problems and chemical dependencies, and also grow to hate everything that surrounds you, but at least you can say "I am a writer for the Internet" before the orderlies notice that you chewed through your restraints again. And whether you're being held down while sedatives are injected into your arm, or finishing another bottle of Uncle Daddy's Feelgood Juice on your own time, you can thank me for helping you make it that far. Thanks, me!

Next Time, on THE DIRT

In the next exciting episode of The Daily Dirt, I will be giving advice on pets, relationships, and pet relationships, even if no one sends in questions! But please send in questions so I don't look like a dummy! Just e-mail bobservo@somethingawful.com, and you may find yourself part of the next marginally exciting installment of... THE DIRT!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey