At a Glance: Hummer Software goes back in time to steal graphics from the late 1980's and deliver a title that promises to "help you grow mighty in spirit and build character." Apparently there is some phenomenal need for such features in a game and nobody ever told me about it. While id Software runs around making half-assed titles about poorly-lit moon marines or whatever the hell they're making, Hummer Software silently delivers a product that helps the general population become better people by learning to despise absolutely everything about Christianity. I know I do; after playing this game, I now want to slug ol' Jesus in the mouth a few times just to get even. Note that their name is "Hummer Software." Ha ha. Hummer.
Publisher: Hummer Software
Developer: Hummer Software
This screenshot alone should teach you a shitload about Jesus.
I must admit that Hummer Software had a steep road ahead of them - they had to create a FPS-based game that simultaneously promoted their religion while keeping the attention span of 14-year old kids who can become distracted when opening up a bottle of their GNC Ritalen. The past track record of successful and popular religious games can be counted on an amputee's knobby little hand stump; for every entertaining religious game you can list, I can name at least five exotic drugs you are obviously ingesting to honestly fool yourself into believing any sentient creature in the history of the world would enjoy or buy such a product. Hummer Software decided to make Life's Battle a freeware product, as they apparently realized people would rather spend their cash on purchasing those illegal bullets that make your brain blow up when you shoot yourself in the skull with them, thereby making their title seem less painful. As a person who currently has six rounds lodged in their cerebellum, I can honestly say that it doesn't work.
According to the Life's Battle website, which was recently upgraded to display more than three colors at once, their game teaches the following "universal Christian principles":
Thankfulness - As in "I thank God that the person who created this game will soon die and fail to exist on the planet Earth."
Protection - Okay, I wasn't aware this was a Christian principle. Then again, what do I know? If I had to list all the Christian principles offhand, I would probably guess: love for that Jesus guy, reliability, having a recent "born on" date, flammability, the ability to read street signs when driving down the street really fast, resistance to wind-based attacks, animal, vegetable, and mineral.
Pure Conscience - This one was a little confusing, because I can pretty much shove small crippled children into passing traffic and I'll have a clear conscious. In fact, I 'd probably write an update about it.
Suffering - Having grown up in a Christian house, I can firmly believe this one.
Yielding Rights - I do not have the right-of-way in Jesus' eternal kingdom when I'm turning right on a red stoplight. Also, don't tailgate God.
Moral Purity - I got bales of that shit. Actually, I've been talking about my moral purity when trying to pick up women lately. I come up to them, buy them a glass of water, and say, "hey baby, want to have kinky unprotected sex with a guy who's really fucking morally pure?" If they refuse then I pull out my trump card and mention my lesbian foot fetish. That usually wins their skank-asses over.
Success - As in "successful installation of a crappy game." Easy enough.
They are playing tetherball... FOR JESUS.Needless to say, I was quite skeptical of the game behind such outlandish claims. I mean, two Christian principles, okay. Three principles, maybe. But seven? Come on! Even JC himself couldn't cram seven Christian principles into a game without making the player feel like they were trapped in a funhouse rollercoaster where rabid fundamentalists pop out of the shadows and beat them with 200-pound iron Bibles. Strangely enough, that option seems more appealing that attempting to play this game again.
Life's Battle starts out with a stunning display of graphics wizardry, assuming it's 1972 and the people being shown the game have never seen colors their entire life. It informs you that the title was based on "Holy Scripture," just so you don't get it confused and mistakenly believe that it was based off the Jerry Bruckheimer movie where Jesus caused volcanos to make the space shuttle explode. After choosing "New Game," I hopped right in and felt my faith in humanity slip away while learning about faith in God.
These graphics are bad, folks. I mean BAD. Pre-Doom bad. Pre-Wolfenstein bad. Pre-Etch-a-Sketch bad. I've seen more defined shapes in my last bowel movement. The game has a HUD (Heads Up Display) that's like every other FPS HUD out there, only with absolutely no functionality whatsoever. The only thing remotely useful on the HUD is the compass, but since no matter where you go you'll invariably end up in Hell, it doesn't really matter. I used my handy compass to ferret out the first "character" you'll meet in the game, who is a grinning used car salesman accompanied by his dopey dog. He commanded me to be "thankful for how God made [me]," and instructed me to follow the "correct" path. I found this to be very helpful, as I usually go into games trying to lose and do whatever I'm not supposed to do. You know, because I'm an idiot and such.
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
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