Metal Hell

With the exception of that Mayhem Fest clownfight, I haven't featured metal prominently in this space, at least not in a negative light. That needed to change, because metal produces at least as many laughingstock acts as every other genre, so I asked No Music Discussion overlord het to watch and discuss some recent videos as well as older clips I've been mocking privately for years. I also invited Jesse "kingcobweb" Mason, because as a post-punk guy, he doesn't listen to much metal, and what better way to introduce someone to my favorite form of music than to play him bullshit examples that'll ensure he never tries it again? Viewers beware, Metal Hell awaits.

Enochian Crescent, "Ghost of Saturn"

het: I actually found this kind of uplifting at first. The band has a disabled lead singer, and they all support him. It's admirable, really. And then, oh no, they dumped him in a ditch. I guess I should have seen it coming.

Garbage Day: I was just starting to wonder if they resented him. He seems like the sort who would boss them around and take them for granted.

het: Oh shit, I just invented a genre. Metal about restoring social justice... progressive black metal! Transilvanian Soup Kitchen!

GD: Who writes two-minute metal songs that aren't fast or interludes? Maybe they just didn't want to push Wheelchair Jerk for more than 90 seconds.

het: Yeah, that's probably it. "Sorry pal, this is your stop, I'm tired." I wonder if they have to find a new lead singer for every video.

GD: if they want them all to look like that, they must actually frequent soup kitchens, or, like, troll the cancer ward. "Hey buddy, wanna make a few bucks?"

het: Maybe this is the new Bumfights. "I've got pull with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, all you need to do is let us throw you in a ditch and you're set."

kingcobweb: They're so emaciated, though. I guess they don't serve breakfast at their auditions. :(

GD: Enochian Crescent rolls.

Semen Datura, "The Ancient Snake"

GD: I have albums from bands named Datura and Grey Daturas, but these guys definitely found a way to stand out from the rest.

kcw: I thought Semen Datura was a Naruto fanfiction.

het: Okay, so we're driving through a grim and possibly haunted forest... in a station wagon. I mean, I don't know what the most black metal vehicle would be (maybe that Bring Out Your Dead cart from Monty Python and the Holy Grail), but I'm pretty sure it's not a Volvo station wagon.

GD: "I'm going to explore a dark, dense forest at dusk."

"Don't forget your sunglasses!"

het: Wait, did that guy just lick the ground, or did he get carsick? What is this, National Lampoon's Scandinavian Vacation?

GD: Maybe he tried to walk but both legs had fallen asleep during the drive.

het: The blastbeats are intended to simulate the pins and needles.

GD: So, is he just looking for a place to pee?

het: Yeah, I guess he needed to drain The Ancient Snake.

GD: You know, this guy looks almost exactly like another German-language musical icon. "Don't turn around, Semen Datura is in town."

het: I like the "what's this hole in the wall-- PEEKABOO!" bit, it shows they still have fun. But now he's stumbling toward a fence and I can't tell what happened. Maybe he got rocked to death. Legs... weak... can't... bang.. head.

GD: Do you think these guys looked into having a real snake in their video and discovered they couldn't afford it?

het: Mom said no. :( "But mooommmmmm, the song is CALLED 'The Ancient Snake'! God, you just don't get it!" "Well, sweetie, maybe it can be a metaphorical snake."

GD: Apparently when metal YouTube commenters like Galletita2 want to express impressed astonishment, they have to clarify "wow(not Warcraft), this is great!"

het: Context isn't enough, like this dude commonly goes around commenting on videos saying "World of Warcraft, this is great!"

GD: Semen Datura is okay I guess, but they're no Semen of Satan. Those guys were German too. Does "semen" mean something else in Germany?

het: No, I think that's just Germany for you.

GD: The singer of Semen of Satan went by "Patrick."

het: No wonder they didn't take off. I AM COUNT PATRICK AND THIS IS LORD TOMMY, BEHOLD OUR EVIL WAYS.

The Mighty Swine, "Layin' Down The Law"

GD: I don't really care about this one after the first few seconds, but the intro is pretty funny/sad.
"Hello, random old man!"
"Eh?"
"Whoa, can't talk now, i'm gonna record my buddies!"
"Eh?"

Also, laminated "backstage" passes for shitty bands at dive bars are probably music's most pathetic collector's item.

het: "You're a Swinette now!", a phrase this woman now holds synonymous with "When I knew I'd hit rock bottom."

GD: At least Mighty Swine was better received than "Swine Flu Blues," by Mighty Acorn, local custodian.

het: Haha. Oh wait, you're serious. I wonder if any of the students found this.

GD: They surrounded him in a circle and sang it mockingly after intentionally giving him the swine flu. "Let's spike that vomit he has to clean up with swine flu!" "Yeah, and throw in some semen of satan!"

het: I got the Swine Flu Blues, also the "Dude with a Menial Job and a Webcam" blues.

GD: New depressing low: This guy logging in, now actually suffering from the swine flu, and seeing that his song has a one-star rating.

het: Can he see who voted on his video? He depresses me enough I want to upvote it, but I don't want him to contact me.