Chapter Two - Create the Perfect Résumé Through Lying

Many of you misled miscreants out there often ask me, "Doctor Fred Malalavich, how come I didn't get that job I interviewed for? I had the experience, skills, and knowledge to fill the position, I wore that really expensive suit I took off of Uncle Jim's corpse, and I even splashed on a few gallons of Target brand cologne to cover up the smell of salami." To you buffoons I shall reiterate the statement I so boldly inked in my award winning book, "1, 2, 3 Job!":

"You can't spell 'résumé' without the word 'resume'. Well, except for that stupid little 'é' character."

Now that I read it again, that quote doesn't really offer much information. However, my point still stands; the only difference separating you from a drugged out hippie that sniffs bleach in his parent's attic all day is the amount of lies you print on your résumé. Over the years, companies have grown accustomed to the fact that employees invariably fib throughout the interview process. They expect this behaviour now. The critical point is to provide lies that distinguish you from the other slack-jawed yokels which vie for the one coveted position you seek. After polling a group of random college students on their way home from binge drinking, I have found the following "embellishments" to be particularly effective in spicing up your otherwise dull and below average résumé:

  • By taking simple "liberties" with previous job titles, you can instantly add a zing of "spicy hot man lovin" to that banal work experience section. For example, "Hot Dog Vendor" can be easily changed to "Processed Meat Distribution Agent", "High School Janitor" becomes "Hazardous Waste Disposal Manager", and "I'm an unemployed 40 year old that still lives with his parents" can be altered to read as "I am the second coming of Jesus Christ."
  • Lie about your name. Think of something that would be an appropriate name for Bruce Willis in one of his "sweaty guy shoots up 10,000 terrorists" movies. Good examples include "Buff McMuscles", "Stone Breaker", "Dan Steele", and "Bea Arthur". If anybody questions you about your Social Security license not matching up with your provided name, throw acid in their face and run. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that point: "It's only common sense; always bring a jar of acid to a job interview."
  • Make up facts that connect you closer to your employer. Find out personal information about your potential boss and just roll with it. A good start would be something along the lines of "So your father was Ted Reynolds? What a coincidence! He was my dad too!"

Now that you've added some minor embellishments to your previously dull background, it's time to tell your boss a little bit about yourself. Add in some colorful descriptions that show you're a real devoted worker with a "can do" attitude that really wants to grab this job. Feel free to use any of the following statements on your résumé:

  • "In my free time I enjoy screaming at my wristwatch."
  • "Have you ever seen 'Alligator II'? I was the third guy who got killed by the alligator."
  • "I am the only person in the tri-state area who has been fired by every miniature golf course."
  • "My goal is to eventually destroy this company from the inside."
  • "Waking up in a pool of vomit and urine is common with me."
  • "I find masturbation to be more sexually fulfilling than an actual physical relationship with another human being."
  • "I'm contagious."
  • "I don't have a permanent residence; the cops keep busting up my joint."
  • "If I found a hypodermic needle lying on the ground, I would probably inject it into my arm. I think that shows you what kind of a devoted worker with a 'can do' attitude I am."
  • "You might have seen me in some of the more popular low budget pornography."
  • "I am easily amused by other people's pain."
  • "I am part of the underground resistance."
  • "My lack of any sense of morality insures I'll steal everything not permanently nailed down."
  • "It's not a sweating problem, it's actually mucous."
  • "The doctor told me professional wrestling wasn't real, but what the hell does he know?"
  • "I don't trust the phone company."
  • "I invented the printing press."
  • "Nuns used to scare me. Then one day I went and murdered four of them. I'm not afraid of nuns anymore. I don't know, maybe this is some kind of skill that can transfer over to this job or something."
  • "The smell of burning trash and gasoline turns me on."

You should now have a pretty beefy résumé with one noticable exception - you're missing any previous schooling experience. This is a piece of cake to change; simple open up the sports page of your local newspaper and write down the first college name you find. Make sure the headline isn't anything along the lines of "UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA PRESIDENT CAUGHT MOLESTING HAND PUPPET" or you might face an uncomfortable conversation topic.

Every resume looks more interesting and professional with clip art!

So you think your resume is done? You could not be further from the truth my ill-informed ignoramus. The crowning touch, or "jeannu me eloui quaea" (I just made up that phrase), is a little thing that could truly make the difference between not getting the job, and being forcibly kicked out by security. Yes, I'm talking about clip art of course. Adding a large number of clip art pictures to your resume will help grab the boss' attention while simultaneously impressing him with your "extensive computer know-how". The most effective clip art pictures include the black and white ballroom dancing one, pics of random farm implements, the graphic showing a cartoon rooster, and the ever popular "lumberjack sleeping on a log" piece of art (seen to the left).

Now you've got one resume to be proud of. Well, comparatively. The only obsticle remaining in your way is the actual interview. Luckily for you, that's exactly what the next chapter covers. Chapter Three - Knock the Pants Off That Ass!"

Next Chapter: Knock the Pants Off That Ass!

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