Pets

FISH

Fun for the whole family!

People who own fish include:

• Librarians
• Accountants
• Rich guys with huge aquariums that often turn out to be evil (the rich guys, not the aquariums, although the aquariums might well be evil)
• Fishermen
• Sexual predators

Reasons to own fish:

Much like birds, fish don't really have any purpose. They just swim around all day, drinking the same water that they poop in. To own fish and various fish-like creatures, you need to invest about 15 million dollars in aquarium supplies. The stuff you have to buy is just nuts, like:

• Airline tubing
• Brass gang valves
• Ceramic air diffusers
• Pneumatic replication units
• Trifecta implementation reinforcers
• Quadralateral unibrow electrode triumphancy switches
• A partridge
• And a pear tree

The guy who is doing all the tech stuff for this site, radium, has spent his life savings on aquarium-related stuff. His tank is large enough to hold nine dead bodies and one decapitated dog (don't ask how we know this). I think the guy's just insane about this whole fish thing, and it just goes to show he's got more than a couple screws loose. Luckily radium's not a bitter man, so I don't really have to worry about him getting revenge on me by revealing the fact that I enjoy fondling the private parts of handicapped children and I was once caught masturbating to pictures of women's golfing shoes on my webcam.

Fish don't eat cat food or dog food, but instead prefer to dine on fish food. Fish food has a distinctive aroma, which is not unlike inhaling an entire Tiajuana compost heap on a 100-degree humid day. The food pellets look almost exactly like miniature versions of the crap pellet stream the fish leave behind, so it's truly a mystery as to how the fish can tell them apart. They probably use sonar or something.

SNAKES AND / OR SPIDERS

WHO'S STEPPING ON WHO NOW, BUDDY?!? MUUHAHAHAHA!!!

People who own snakes and / or spiders include:

• Hollywood celebrities
• College football players
• Loansharks
• Various other criminals

Reasons to own snakes and / or spiders:

You have some deep-seated hatred of the entire human race and enjoy basking in the misery of others. Snakes exhibit even less activity than fish and have a far greater chance of murdering you, so it's a safe bet to claim that only sociopathic criminals are interested in owning either of these. Of course that's perfectly fine with me and I don't have any problems with this at all and please don't kill me when I sleep.

You are a member of an enemy alien race getting ready to invade Earth. Aliens usually have at least a few species that look like mutant glowing spiders or advanced snakemen, so they have an excuse. However, before boarding your UFO to enslave another planet and eventually be defeated thanks to the "never say die" spirit of human nature, you must strap on a few hundred pounds of microchips to the creatures. This makes them "hi tech" and "technologically advanced", because God only knows, the future is all about being uncomfortable, ineffective, and weighed down with 500 pounds of computer equipment.