Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge

Able to suspend all rational thought and brush off any opposing arguments in repeated acts of deliberate ignorance, Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge has a total of just seven ideas in his mind, and each of them are set in stone. Usually his anger and aggression are directed at large companies or giant organizations that he feels have wronged him in some inexplicable way. Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge will never change the subject or write about things that don't have anything to do with his preconceived enemies. If you attempt to argue with him and inject any form of logic or reasoning into his threads, they will either be ignored or met with incoming flames. Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge doesn't care about your opinion or the truth, he just cares about voicing his paranoid delusional theories over and over until he is either banned or everybody leaves the forum. The biggest and most vocal forms of Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge are of course Andy Smith and Evil Avatar.

EXAMPLES. Doctor Conspiracy / Man With a Grudge will post the following messages:

Counter-Strike forum: "The game flat out sucked because the programmers can't code worth crap. If they could code, they could get the game to work on my Pentium 75 with 32 megs RAM. Screw them, they don't give a shit about customer service and it's all about money to those greedy assholes."
Star Trek forum: "Universal Studios is indirectly responsible for my mother's death and I won't give up until they've gone bankrupt or I've caused the president of the company to commit suicide."
Honda Civic forums: "Japanese cars are so cheap because the American government has been bought off by Japan. Come on, try to explain all those human rights violations. Try to tell me I'm wrong. You can't, because I'm not."

Anime-Obsessed Freak

Having spent every moment of the day transcribing all of Gohan and crew's dialogue for their DBZ site, the Anime-Obsessed Freak cannot concentrate or focus on anything but Anime. He doesn't ever get turned on unless the object of his affection has a 2-inch waistline and hair the color of a toilet disk. If you post as the Anime-Obsessed Freak, be prepared for a never-ending series of run on sentences, debates regarding the "true meaning" of every conversation between two characters, and in depth discussions about each character's motivation and feelings.

EXAMPLES. The Anime-Obsessed Freak will post the following messages:

Counter-Strike forum: "I think Vegeta (non SSJ) is MUCH more powerfull than Piccolo durring this time because Sayien bodies are just are made for war, so they gain more power from training than a Namek would for the same amount and quanity of training."
Star Trek forum: "IF I EVER HAVE KIDS, THIS IS WHAT I'LL NAME THEM. For a boy: Goten, Gohan, Krillin, Goku, Vegeta, Gogeta. For a girl: Bulma, Pan, Videl. But then my future wife would leave me with lill baby, Bulma, Pan, Videl or Goten, Gohan, Krillin, Goku or Vegeta, and Gogeta. OH WELL!"
Honda Civic forums: "The old Kaiou Shin that came out of the sword was actually the Dai Kaiou Shin from 15 generations back (i.e., there were 14 Dai Kaiou Shin that lived and died between him and the one Buu absorbed). One day a witch grabbed his Potara and wore it, causing them to fuse, which gave him some special powers. Someone sealed him in the sword out of fear for these powers."

Derek Smart

There is only one Derek Smart, so (un/fortunately) you cannot adopt his personality. Much like the Candyman, Derek Smart will appear if you merely say his name three times. However, unlike the Candyman, Derek Smart often shows up even if his name wasn't mentioned at all. He has the uncanny ability to instantaneously teleport to anywhere on the Internet within milliseconds, allowing him to begin posting new threads and replies every sixteen seconds. Derek Smart is more prolific than all the previous posters combined, especially when it comes to criticizing any video game ever made. Well, any video game but HIS.

EXAMPLES. Derek Smart will post the following messages:

Counter-Strike forum: "Your $50 makes NO difference to me. It should cost you more than that to earn the priviledge [sic] of insulting me."
Star Trek forum: "As far as I know, I did not attack a coke machine."
Honda Civic forums: "It's a Beta release. What's that got to do with bug reports?"

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2022 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful