The 2007 Holiday Skymall Strategy Guide, Part 3

LADY OF WISDOM DOLL - $49.95

A gift for the wise older woman in your life -- the one who's taught you everything and then some. Created by doll designer Carmen Manago, the Lady wears a red hat and purple coat, signs of pride in her knowledge and experience. She's lovingly detailed, beautifully dressed, and full of personality and charm. Not intended for children, but for the child in you. 24" tall. (Skymall)

P: Grandpa's RealDoll. Instead of silicone it's stuffed with potpourri. Though I can't help but think this is what Gallagher looks like these days if he still does that oversized couch gag.

N: Yeah, this is meant for the lonesome Grandpa. It's "not intended for children," it's "full of personality and charm," and it's 24 inches tall, just like Grandma! Master doll designer Carmen Fandango really captured the essence of a fuckable grandma with this masterpiece, from her alluring eyes to her bag-lady purse. She even comes with a bouquet of flowers to make Gramps feel properly courted!

P: This may look like an arts-and-crafts Frankenstein, but Carmen Sandiego has brought out the subtleties of the wise older woman. She's been through a lot, from the foot binding to the asymmetrical bruising on her face to the prison tattoo on her ankle. She may not be meant for children, but I think I'd want the "one who's taught you everything and then some" to be my son's first time.

N: She's the essential older woman, from her shapeless housecoat to her lovingly handstitched vagina. She perches coquettishly on the arm of the sofa as if to say, "Oooooh, give Grammy her loves, dearie-dove."

P: Is that line down the center of her face supposed to be a nose, because it looks like someone painted Grandma's face on a butt. Was the original product a bag of ass? The bag just became the hat in the current design, but that doesn't explain the horrendous nipples that flank her mouth.

N: Her purse is full of antiquated prophylactics. There's a clump of bog moss, some termite honey, and the charred fingerbones of a Romany child.

P: Purse? I thought that designer Carbon Monoxide included a pillow in case Gramps got petered-out mid-coitus, attempting to remove her ankle-length doily.

N: I can just imagine walking in on Gramps and this abomination together and staring blankly as he frantically stuffed her soft body behind the headboard. The Lady of Wisdom would knowingly vanish, leaving only a single lavender queef to fill the awkward silence.

P: "Wanna see my trains?"

– P. Jordan Dimebag and Nick Arizona (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)