Helen's Tips of the Week!

The week started out with a bang when I fell down the stairs outside of the apartment. Get it? It started with a bang because I fell down the stairs. Well anyway, what happened was that I was moving one of the really heavy potted plants from the kitchen to the hall area because I thought that I could finally clean under the sink where all of the bugs seem to be coming from. I even had a blowtorch ready like Lou showed me when he used to light the bugs on fire to teach them a lesson. He called it, "His little lesson in love" and that the bugs knew not to come back after he killed them. He always said that if I ever started living like that under the sink that he'd teach me the same lesson. Well it was a good thing he told me that because I had to cancel my plans to surprise him by moving there one day and then he wouldn't have known where I was and then he would have been really shocked when I jumped out while he was eating. That would have been funny. But I thought that I could clean under there because I don't think that I had done it at all after Lou died and it was starting to smell like cabbage.

I had the blowtorch under one arm and I was using all of my strength to pull the enormous plant across the floor. Just then, my hands slipped off of the pot and I went flying backwards through the wall and down the stairs outside of the apartment! The next thing I remember I woke up at the bottom of the stairs and there were all of these pretty lights flying around the hallway. I knew right then that I was having a near-death experience and that the lights were my Special Angels sent to guide me. "Hello, Special Angels!" I yelled to them. There was no answer but they began to change colors really fast, and I came back upstairs and put some duct tape over the hole I'd made in the wall. The lights stayed with me the whole time!

Lou.

At first I thought that my Angels just wanted to be sure that I fixed up the wall properly and that they would then be on their way, but soon I realized that this was not the case. I tried talking to them again, saying quite loudly, "Angels, why are you flying around my head?" But they didn't answer so I ate some ham and lay down because my head was hurting a lot for some reason. I thought that maybe I was dehydrated so I drank 14 glasses of water before I lay down. When I woke up, the lights were still there, but they had gotten bigger. I tried talking to them for the third time, "Angels, is that you? Should I follow the light?" Suddenly, there was an answer! "HELEN, WE ARE SPIRITS FROM THE BEYOND! ASK US QUESTIONS AND WE WILL ANSWER!"

I was so shocked I didn't know what to do! I tried to think about what sorts of questions I could ask these ghosts, but one of them was moaning so loudly that it was really hard to come up with anything. He just kept saying, "WOOOoooooOOOOOoooooooOOOoo!!!"

Finally I asked them whether it would be ok if I asked them questions for you, reader! I really did want to be able to help you talk to your deceased loved ones and this made it so much easier than my duct tape method because I didn't feel really sick afterward and wake up in the bathtub! They said that I could ask them, so that is what I did. I asked all of the spirits the questions you sent to me on the computer machine. It was scary because they were ghosts and some of them said, "Boo," a couple of times so I knew that they were real.

I'll tell you right now what they said to me, but please, if you have any more questions that you want me to ask the spirits from beyond or any household advice or tips about relationships or anything, please email me at helengunther@somethingawful.com and I will definitely try to help you! I just love helping people and I always have. Any sorts of people. I even helped that nice man when he told me that he was having pains in his private area. I would rather help people than eat a tasty sandwich!

Now, here's my ADVICE! I will put it in dialogue form when I am talking with spirits. The conversations were tape-recorded so that I could play them back and transcribe them later.

Letter 1:

Helen, for years I have failed in my efforts to make contact with my dead family. When I heard that you have opened the portal to the spirit world I was overjoyed. Can you please contact my mother, father and two sisters to tell them I am sorry for killing them with a breadknife.

Regards, Frustrated Frank

Bologna.

Advice:

ME: Oh spirits, Frank would like to speak with you concerning the death of his family who were killed by a breadknife so long ago. Are they there?

SPIRITS: Helen, you must go to the doctor. You have suffered a terrible concussion. WOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!

ME: Oh spirits, I am very hungry and am going to eat a bologna sandwich!

SPIRITS: We are serious. Your brain has been injured and you are in grave danger. OOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOooo...

ME: Oh, I forgot, spirits! I am all out of bologna so I will have to make it pastrami instead! I enjoy meats!

At this point I became very dizzy and had to lie down so I stopped talking with the ghosts. From this conversation, Frank, I would assume that everything is all right and that your words have been heard on the other side. Don't worry! Your family is obviously in a better place and now they don't have to worry about knives!

Letter 2:

Hello Helen! I love the column, and hope you can help. I enjoy spending time with my mom, but she has this horrible breath problem. I can't seem to get within two feet of her because it smells like something has died in her mouth!! I've tried to give her gum, and mints, and I know she brushes her teeth, but it still smells horrible! What can I do?

Holding her nose in Wisconsin

Advice:

This is a pillow like the pillows that Lou used to stuff Mother only those pillows didn't have USA on them.

I completely understand where you are coming from because my mother used to have terrible breath as well, only that was after her death in 1964. We used to try everything to help her breath to smell better, but it just never really worked. Her breath still smelled like rotten fish and bacon and it got worse and worse every day. We finally just couldn't stand it any more so we had to have her stuffed. Lou had taken a taxidermy class at community college so he tried to stuff her using the insides of a couple of pillows that we had lying around. Soon the smell went away and I still have her displayed in the living room. My recommendation is to have her stuffed like I did because that is a sure-fire way to get rid of that pesky bad breath.

Letter 3:

Helen, I need your wisdom to guide me on my quest to get in touch with the spirit world. It is of vital importance to me and to my life that you help me! Could you please contact my friend Dave for me and ask him where he put my basketball shoes, because I can't find them anywhere and those were some expensive shoes! I need those shoes to play basketball!

Sincerely, Shoeless Joe

Advice:

ME: Spirits, there is someone here who needs to know what happened to his basketball shoes! It is so important that you answer!

SPIRITS: Helen, if you do not go to the doctor there is a good chance you will suffer brain damage. WWWOOoooooooOOOOOOOOooo!!!

ME: Oh my goodness! Who is that man over there? Why, it's President Nixon! Hello, Mr. President, it is me, Helen Gunther!

SPIRITS: This is getting very frustrating for us. We have better things to do with our time, you know. WOOOOOoooooooo.

ME: Mr. Nixon, why did you leave me that night? I was young. I was young and I loved you. Mr. Nixon, NO!

And there you have it, Shoeless Joe. If I were to make any assumptions from this conversation I would assume that your shoes are possibly under some clothing in the closet or perhaps buried with Richard Nixon. I am unsure at this time which avenue you should pursue, but I am sure you will figure the rest out from here! Good luck!

Mix with gasoline, smear around windows, and set on fire as a bug deterrent!

Letter 4:

Helen, help! Summer is nearly upon us, and because the weather is hot we like to keep the door open. But we keep getting swarms of flies in the house! What should we do?

Sincerely, Bitten in Britain

Advice:

I love keeping the doors and windows open all year 'round! I love getting fresh air, but it always attracts bugs through the windows. I tried putting duct tape over the doors and windows to catch the bugs but then I found that I didn't get breezes from the outside any more because the doors and windows were covered in tape. Instead, I devised a wonderful solution! Simply smear baking soda mixed with gasoline around the edges of the doors and windows that open to the outside. Then, light on fire! Bugs don't like fire and they will definitely stay away from it, so you get fresh air without the bugs! I hope that helps! It sure helped me.

Well I think that that's all the time I have for this week, guys, but please email me on the computer machine at helengunther@somethingawful.com if you have any questions for me that I can help answer, especially if you want me to talk to your relatives in the spirit realm! But I'll be happy to answer questions about anything, so ask away! I love heaping people and I want to help you! See you next week!!