Hello, this is me, Helen.

Hello everyone, it's me again, Helen Gunther. I hope you enjoyed my column last week and that my household tips helped you out a little bit. This week has been really busy for me so I'm sorry if I haven't had a chance to get back of all of you nice people who sent me emails on the computer machine. I'm still learning how to use it though, so it will take me awhile to figure things out. Today I was on the internet looking for a cinnamon bun recipe and I typed 'sticky buns' into one of those little boxes you can type into to find things. Well I'll tell you, I haven't seen pictures like those since Lou's bachelor party where I hid in the giant cake with the stripper that his friends had hired and when the time came for the stripper to jump out, I jumped out, too. I was wearing my sexiest lingerie. Lou cried with what must have been happiness. Anyway, I'll answer a few of the letters I got from you readers in today's column and I hope that they help! But first, let me tell you about my busy week!

This is a bed like my bed only my bed is wet and smells funny. And my bed doesn't look like this bed.

Really early Sunday morning I had a dream that Lou was spraying me with a garden hose like he'd do every three weeks or so when he thought that I was not showering regularly enough. He never did like the natural look but I think that he really just wanted to make sure that I stayed healthy. Sometimes a bunch of flies would start buzzing around me all of the time if I didn't shower for a month or so and we all know that flies carry disease. So I can understand his worry, the dear. In any case, I woke up right after the dream and the bed was all wet! I don't know what it was wet from but it smelled really bad so I had to sleep on the floor for the rest of the night, but it hurt my back and hips too much so I didn't sleep well at all. Ever since that night I have been wondering what that dream must have meant and whether Lou is trying to contact me from beyond the grave. If he is, I can only assume that he wants me to take a shower because it's been about two months since I have (I've been so busy). Sorry Lou!

The problem is, I took a shower Sunday night just to make sure that if Lou was trying to tell me something that he didn't get mad at me for not listening to him. That would have been bad because when Lou got mad at me he sometimes put me in the closet where we kept the remains of Lou's mother and also some jars of pickles. It was dark in there and I don't like the dark one bit. I like pickles, though. Anyway, I took a shower Sunday evening but Sunday night I had another dream where Lou was pouring warm maple syrup all over me. I woke up, and the bed was soaked again! I was so upset. I remember yelling, "Lou, if you're trying to talk to me, give me a sign!" But there was no answer, not even a loving slap across the face like he used to do when I said things like that to him. I had to sleep on the floor again and it was difficult for me not to drown in the sweet memories I had of Lou pouring maple syrup on me every Sunday morning when he got a little upset that breakfast wasn't ready when he got up. But why was he appearing in my dreams and why was the bed all wet?


I was determined to find out why Lou was trying to contact me, so when I woke up on Monday morning I headed out to the store to buy an Ouija board. I knew that if anything could contact my Lou it was the power of Parker Brothers. I mean, they did have a monopoly of Boardwalk after all. I brought it home intending to use it right away, but I got distracted when I opened up the refrigerator and found that I had forgotten to eat that three pounds of honey-basted turkey I'd bought a week ago. I didn't want it to spoil, so I curled up on the sofa with the turkey, a spoon, and my pet frog Horace and ate the entire thing. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, it was daytime. This morning. Which brings us to now, and I'm still not sure why Lou wants to talk to me. I'll find out, though! Even if I have to go without sleep for an entire eight hours. That's just how determined I am.

Meanwhile, reader, I'll keep you posted. But feel free to contact me at helengunther@somethingawful.com if you have any questions for me that you think I might be able to help you answer. Keep in mind that they can be about ANYTHING!

Now, time for HELEN'S ADVICE!

Letter 1:

I come from a traditional Jewish family, and I recently began dating a schiktze (non-Jewish girl). My family doesn't like her, but I am in love with her, and I want to get them to accept her for who she is. She also likes to have sex all the time. My parents always make fun of her if I bring her over, like ask her about her fake boobs, or ask her how many Jews her family killed in the war, even though she's Indian, and not European. Please tell me what to do!

Signed, Killing Jews in Janesville


This person is tan and may be Puerto Rican, also.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My Lou was 10% Puerto Rican and his mother used to yell at me endlessly about being a member of the oppressive white race and what not, which I didn't understand at all seeing as I am 60% Puerto Rican myself. Eventually I got extremely tired of her constant badgering, the old biddy, so I decided to begin spending a lot more time in the sun. The healthy bronze tan that resulted was just dark enough to please Lou's mother, although I had to undergo surgery last fall when a large malignant tumor was found on my leg. That was really strange because I had taken it for a tattoo I might have gotten and then forgotten about like I did with that funny tattoo on the back of my neck that looks like Jesus Christ's head on a hippo's body. In any case, your girlfriend could either get very tan and/or wear a lot of dark make-up like I did. That will work well. If for some reason your parents don't respond to darker skin, you might consider finding a different girlfriend who comes from your country.

Letter 2:

My best friend has recently moved in with her boyfriend, a guy she has only known for 4 months. I don't really know this guy, but I am concerned for my friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying that I think she should leave him, but I'm not sure she's made the right choice.

What should I do Helen? It's making me insane! HELEN! WHAT DO I DO HELEN! Helen? Helen!!

Sincerely, Friend is a Fool


Well I'm not so sure why you think she should leave him, even if they haven't known each other for that long. My Lou and I only knew each other for a few weeks before we decided to get married, but of course we thought that I was pregnant. As it turned out I just had bad gas as a result of being allergic to the 3 pounds of peanuts I was eating every day because I had heard that they would give my hair a healthy sheen. Boy, they sure made my hair shiny but I had to leave the windows open in the house for several weeks afterward, let me tell you. In any case, if this guy is saying that he is pregnant, if I were you I'd check to make sure that he wasn't eating pounds of peanuts every day to make sure that his hair is shiny. If he's not, he might actually be pregnant, in which case you have a fun baby shower to plan!

Letter 3:

Your advice is just terrific, so I sure hope you can help me out. We have new neighbors that have moved in upstairs; I don't know what they do up there in the late evenings, but they sure make a lot of noise (it sounds like bowling, but I know that they have carpets)! Normally, I'd just stop by and ask them to please move or at least sit still and watch t.v. or something like normal people. The problem is that I have yet to bring them one of my nice "welcome to the building" dishes and introduce myself, so showing up with a request first seems un-neighborly -- what should I do?

Love, Bad Bowling in Boise

Lou's friend Steve sometimes gave me private bowling lessons behind his house when his wife wasn't home.


It's always hard when you don't see eye-to-eye with your neighbors. When Lou and I moved into our apartment we were shocked to find that the folks who lived next door didn't approve of our nightly ritual of having a screaming competition to see who could scream the loudest and who could break the most blood vessels in their eyes before they passed out. Lou always won and then I guess we'd go to sleep, although I don't ever remember anything about the rest of those nights except that I woke up in the morning and it was really hard to go to the bathroom. Anyway, I enjoy bowling also, although I am certainly not very good. I can't help knocking all of the pins over each time I roll the ball down the alley. Lou always told me that I should try to make the ball roll into the gutters so that I could win like he did. Lou always wanted me to be a winner. Take some bowling lessons from a pro! They offer them for fairly cheaply at most bowling alleys. The bowling alley close to me has lessons for $9.95 per month and as a bonus they will also give you special polish for your ball that makes your hands really tingly when you rub them together. It tastes like bitter sand and makes you a little dizzy when you eat too much of it.

Letter 4:

I have an ongoing problem with keeping my kitchen grout clean and white. I've tried every stupid cleaner on the market and none of the darn things work worth a tinkers ____! What, with your vast knowledge of "good housekeeping" tricks would you recommend for people like me who suffer from this dilemma??

Sincerely, Grout's Grungy in Green Lake

Try this on grout. Try it on other things that are not grout also.


Grout is always a problem to keep white, just like your teeth and your tongue, but luckily there's a simple solution. Simply pour baking soda into the cracks between the tiles and leave it there. It's white as snow and people will never know that it isn't your grout that's white! The best thing is, if it gets dirty you can just put more baking soda on top of the other baking soda. To help make the baking soda stick to itself and to the floor you can use molasses or a lot of smashed raisins. This is a cost-efficient and natural way to make sure your grout looks its best! And it makes for tasty eating down the road if you get hungry. And it makes sure you don't slip and fall if your floor is really slippery because you dropped a stick of butter and then the butter melted and now there's butter all over the floor.

Well I hope that my advice has helped you! I'll be back in a week but feel free to email me at helengunther@somethingawful.com if you have and questions for me that you think I could help answer! In the meantime I'm going to try out this here Ouija board and see if I can't get Lou to explain to me why he keeps appearing in my dreams and why my bed is wet in the morning. I am also going to go and see what there is to eat because all of this writing has made me hungry! I hope there's some leftover pork from the pig I butchered in the bathtub last week but I have a feeling that I fed the last of it to the rats that live under the sink. Silly hungry rats.

– Helen Gunther

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