Something Awful vs. the Dog Haired Private Investigator

Just thought Id let you know. This is what started the whole thing. Someone from your site came over and posted this information at Mrs. Jenkins site. According to the Patriot Act, this is a threat that could be punishable by law. We are currently doing a back trace on the email.

This was the email she received....

name = Michael
email = I don't have the internets
phone = Sorry I don't believe in technology fads; CB radio only.
comments = You know you're a very horrible person, i.e. dressing up animals in a humiliating fashion then locking them alltogether in a small pen. Your home must be the canine equivalent of Saudi Arabia. I'm glad that a quality site such as somethingawful was able to point out your atrocities to the general public. I hope some half crazed PETA zelot suicide bombs your entire operation.

Now just leave me alone and let me do my work, Shitter. Or you can send me another email to add to my report.

T. J.

Dear T.J.,

I noticed things have escalated incredibly quick! First you were talking about federal laws that would throw me in the slammer for harassment, now you're talking about invoking the Patriot Act to imprison an Internet user for filling out your public email form! This is what we in the Internet Industry refer to "dat shit goin' nuts, yo." That's a highly technical term, so I don't expect you to understand or comprehend it (just like how you cannot understand the felons who maliciously open your gate or turn off / on your electric fence).

As I read your polite, friendly initial email informing me it was "slander" to make fun of people who dress their dogs in sweaters, I had no idea the tension and stakes would escalate to this high intensity cat-and-mouse game we're currently engaged in. It's like "WarGames," and you're Michael Broderick and I'm, uh, Dabney Coleman I guess. "Hey everybody, look at me, I was the star of the not-so-hit comedy 'Drexell's Class'!" By the way, that last sentence was me like completely DEVASTATING your ass on the Internet.

Please keep me informed as to the progress of your "back trace on the email" is going. I've seen a lot of movies about cyberspace and outer space and trading spaces, so I know doing really smart high tech stuff like "back tracing on the email" involves strapping on virtual reality gloves and manipulating a series of rectangles before a red triangle can crash into you and make the phrase "LOGGING OUT OF CYBERSPACE" appear flashing in a giant impact font. You are a very brave man and / or woman to face that kind of terror all in the name of Internet dog sweaters.

Anyway, I'd better let you go now, as this letter of unbridled harassment is undoubtedly adding even more fuel to your fire. The fire of your loins. As my final request, I hereby ask you to file this reply under the title "SEXY EMAIL" when you bring your giant caseload of proof to whatever underpaid government employees you have chosen to laugh at you as you pay them with your tax dollars. If you would like some of my advice, you may want to take off the Tasmanian Devil Looney Tunes t-shirt you're currently wearing, the one that said "I NEED MY CUP OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING!!!" They might not take you as seriously once you start shrieking about the Patriot Act and throwing email in prison or whatever you're talking about doing.

Try wearing something classy and intelligent looking.

Like a weiner dog sweater.

- Rich