The Vein: And a perfect double pimp-slap from the Human Hammer, Steve Armstrong, followed by his patented sofa-mover technique!
Haymaker: I'll tell you what, Zane, those little gliding carpet coasters that Sloth put under his exoskeleton for increased mobility are really backfiring here. Great hustle by Steve, he's really showing off what years of rigorous training as a one-man moving company and gigolo-gram courier for at-risk gang widows can add to your physical conditioning.
The Vein: Another big point for the Human Hammer! Little known fact Hank, Steve spent eight months of his strict Arena training regimen working as a rodeo clown, just to prepare for situations like this.
Haymaker: That's just a real smart move by Steve there, recognizing that Sloth's turning radius is about five light-years and that he has about the same center of gravity as a floppy 12-ton artisanal penis cake. Now that's the kind of heads-up play that Arena champs are made of.
The Vein: No argument here, Hank, and some real hand-wringing going on over at the Team Evil sidelines now. They're really going to need to shake things up to take this match back for Sloth.
Haymaker: Wait a minute Vein, it looks like they're sending their first-string henchmen off to reprogram the scoreboard and-
Haymaker Ooh, that looks like a career-ending injury for Jerome the Chrome! What a blow to Team Evil, and to the annual alumni newsletter of the distinguished Bebop & Rocksteady Finishing School for Henchpersons.
The Vein: Changing the numbers on the scoreboard mid-fight was a brilliant plan by Sloth's managers, Hank, this was just a classic case of poor execution. I still remember broadcasting Super Bowl CCXLVII, when the Neo-Raiders beat the Martian Meteors 18592 to -284 without ever touching the football.
Haymaker: Surely a classic moment in sports history, Zane, but a risky maneuver in a live intergalactic televised ultimate death bout for the title of Champion of the Universe.
The Vein: Took the words right out of my surgically reconstructed jaw, Hank.
Haymaker: And we're getting word that...yes, Sloth has been disqualified! Steve Armstrong wins by technical not-cheating! Well, that's it for us tonight folks, remember to join us for the post-fight interview with Sloth when he makes it out of the locker room in about 6 months.
The Vein: Good night from all of us at the eXtreme Sports Network!
| Plot | -9 |
|---|---|
| Acting | -9 |
| Special Effects | -7 |
| Directing | -7 |
| Music / Sound | -8 |
| Overall | -40/50 |
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.
