The Vein: Without any further ado, let's get down to the main event. Steve is making his way down to the ring now, after a quick rest in his Mylar stasis chamber.
Haymaker: We're told there was some concern earlier over whether or not he'd still be able to fight after the legal tenderizing he got from the Shirt Police earlier this afternoon. Let's go to the instant replay:
The Vein: Looks like he's back on his feet and in good fighting-form though Haymaker, and as you can see he's gone with an extra risque outfit this evening as a gesture of nonviolent protest against fashion-police brutality.
The Vein: Steve's opponent is the aptly-named "Sloth", who was brought into the ring by forklift earlier today to begin his grueling pre-fight greasing/moistening regimen which gives him the remarkable ability to move every several minutes. Sloth is best-known for taking home the silver medal for Slowest 100-yard Dash at the 2952 Galactic Olympics.
Haymaker: As most sports fans know already, Vein, he actually came in third in the race, but the original silver medalist was disqualified when it was discovered to be just a large rock with googly eyes glued on.
The Vein: Ooh, fantastic execution of a neurotic Godzilla stomp from Sloth there. Steve's going to have to come up with some better moves if he doesn't want to end up back in the Aquafresh Wintergreen(tm) Boundary Field and Tooth Whitener in the second round.
Haymaker: Some serious celebration going on in the Team Evil box there, Vein, but there's still time for Steve to turn this one around.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.