The Horrible Dr. Bone$

The Horrible Dr. Bone$ decides that he needs to hold auditions to find a good band, so the next half an hour consists of terrible R&B music by the people who fail at the auditions. Then, suddenly, when it seems like all hope is lost and that the zombie army will never be able to stalk the world in search of brains and funkiness, in walks a band called "The Urban Protectors." They look like a random group of black kids, most of whom are not about to protect anything, let alone protect an entire city. They dress rather frumpily and look as though they would be more at home at the mall rather than on a stage. They play their AWFUL song and display a considerable amount of musical genius, considering that the song heard has no guitar or real drums and yet their band features a guitar player and a guy on a drum set. Their lead singer is a hideous skank in ass-pants and Dr. Bone$ immediately falls in love with her and her band, so the good Dr. closes the auditions and informs the Urban Protectors that they won the band competition.They are very happy and celebrate by kissing and hugging each other while giving each other high fives for what seems like an inordinate amount of time. Hooray, they won, time for malt liquor, which they drink out of paper cups in their van. This is another time when I could be making jokes about the movie, but instead I will merely point out that the band is called "THE URBAN PROTECTORS."

The "Urban Protectors" are on the cutting edge of the music scene. Their band features a drum set and a bass guitar but their music contains neither of these.

At this point, the band goes home to gloat over their record deal and Dr. Bone$ crushes the heart of some henchman guy for a reason that is never really made clear. This naturally causes a bunch of wavy black lines to shoot out in every direction. That night, the Urban Protectors all have a dream in which Dr. Bone$ speaks to every one of them and offers his help and protection. I don't really know what protection he could offer unless it be perhaps pretection from his creepy spider-hair or 4,000 year-old face. One of the band mates, a fat dude named "Pookie," has a serious muscle problem with his face while Dr. Bone$ is talking to him because his eyebrows twitch like crazy, sort of like a really creepy Jell-O mold in a really strong wind. A Jell-O mold made of skin and hair and resembling a pudgy black dude.

The very next day, the band is led through the aptly named "NO ADMITTANCE" door into the recording studio cleverly disguised as a construction site. They seem very impressed by the bare light bulbs and brick walls for some reason, perhaps because they normally play their instruments in the cemetery where there are no electrical outlets. At one point the lead singer chick says, "The Urban Protectors represent positivity and inspiration!" This is good to know because if she hadn't said that I would have thought that they in fact represented something else altogether. Anyway, Dr. Bone$ has the band people sign contracts of some sort thereby indicating that the band won't mind Dr. Bone$ putting subliminal zombie messages in their music and controlling the world with his zombie army. By the way, this movie is about VOODOO AND R&B AND ZOMBIES. Not necessarily in that order.

The next day the band is scheduled to put on a special show for the city's "elite" who consist of eight to ten Wal-Mart shoppers the director bought for five dollars per head. They assemble on folding chairs in a room upstairs from Dr. Bone$' "recording studio" and prepare to listen to the hip new band, The Urban Protectors. Dr. Bone$ has schemed to mix in his evil zombie message with the music from the band, thereby turning all people in attendance into his R&B-loving voodoo drones and beginning his zombie world domination. The manager of the band, a skeptic of the esteemed Dr. from the beginning, notices something suspicious and follows a cable from the mixer in the sound booth labeled "BASEMENT" to (you'll never guess)... THE BASEMENT!

Several of the band members examine a glass case full of hearts to decide which of them looks like it would make the best casserole.

He travels once more through the fabled "NO ADMITTANCE" door and tiptoes down to the music studio. There, before his very eyes, is the Horrible Dr. Bone$ chanting through some sort of cheap voice-flanger the phrase, "CHEW SCENE FOUR! CHEW SCENE FOUR!" Of course, it could have been "CHOOSE TEEN WHORE! CHOOSE TEEN WHORE!" but there's really no way to tell. It was spooky, though. And EVIL. Just when the manager of the band thinks that he has seen it all, Dr. Bone$ tears the heart out of another guy's chest and those black wavy lines once again shoot out of it. At this point the manager thinks that maybe it might be a good idea to leave so he does and no one really seems to notice him coming or going. This is probably because they are captivated by the melodious voice of Dr. Bone$ chanting his zombie R&B love-song to the world.

When he gets back upstairs, our hero discovers that all of the people in attendance have become zombies, including the band members. The manager grabs the skanky ho who is singing and snaps her out of her trance by whacking the bithc upside the head with a brick. Actually, he doesn't do that but I rather wish he would have. Together they go through the glamorous "NO ADMITTANCE" door to see what the good doctor is up to. They observe him chanting and squeezing black stuff out of hearts left and right, all of which is very scary and horrifying. These two junior sleuths spy a large plexiglass case CLEVERLY HIDDEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN ROOM like the kind they have at the deli counter to display the meats, only the doctor's is full of human hearts. The band manager begins to smash the hearts with a plank and the zombie henchmen drop like flies. Dr. Bone$ says, "NO!" but makes absolutely no move to stop them for some reason, maybe because he doesn't want to get his hands dirty. Or perhaps this is because he realizes how dumb it was to BE A VOODOO DOCTOR WITH AN R&B BAND WHOM YOU USE TO CONTROL A ZOMBIE ARMY.

The last scene of this charming little movie is proclaimed to be 6 MONTHS LATER when the band manager and singing ho receive a spooooooky paper package in the mail. When they investigate its contents, they are shocked and alarmed to hear, "CHOOSE SCENE FOUR! CHOOSE SCENE FOUR!" OH NO THE VOODOO DOCTOR IS ALIVE AND HE IS TRYING TO RECRUIT MORE TERRIBLE R&B BANDS TO SPREAD HIS ZOMBIE MESSAGE! Will the world never be safe again?

Thankfully, the movie is over at this point. I'm not sure what to say in closure about this film disaster but I really do wonder what audience this movie was intended to be for. The entire cast was African American so I can only assume that the audience would have been black kids who had terrible taste in horror movies and music. As it was, I was shocked to see the level of un-hipness displayed by the people who were supposedly musicians in this movie, so I have to wonder what the people this movie was intended for thought of "The Urban Protectors." How unfortunate it is that I will probably never know the answer to this mystery because I WILL NEVER COME WITHIN TEN FEET OF THIS MOVIE OR ANYONE WHO WOULD TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE FOR THE REST OF TIME. If you are wise, you will follow in my footsteps.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Emily "Integral" Reigel (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)