I Was a Teenage Zombie

This is actually a promo still for the upcoming sequel, "I Was a Teenage Zombie Al Sharpton."But whatever. In the next scene the boys force Baseball Zombie to drink contaminated river water and tell him they're going to lure Mussolini to the dance. There, they say, it will be his job to take out their arch rival. Baseball kid (who apparently thought "acting like a zombie" meant "talking like Ben Stein after a handful of Klonopin), agrees after some pouting, and then we fast-forward to the dance.

Like I mentioned before, I've seen more of this movie than I care to remember, and I still can't figure out what the fuck is going on with the "dance" scene, the movie's culminating point. Instead of making things up or embellishing what I do know, I'm going to reach into the untapped potential of bulleted lists to describe the images that come from the scene:

• Mussolini barges into the dance and spend five minutes running up to the various kids, screaming "AAAARAGH" and not doing much else
• What's left of Gordy's "crew" hides behind a "banner" that's actually just a spraypainted sheet
• Baseball kid skulks around in the rafters for a while then jumps down for no real reason with a machete
• Mussolini shoves Baseball kid's girlfriend into the wall, where she hits her head on a bolt that's sticking out less than a quarter-inch from the wall.

Of course, this enrages Baseball kid to the point that he shouts "no" in the most monotone voice he can muster, and the two fight. Well, they don't fight so much as they kind of dance around one another until Baseball kid cuts Mussolini's head off. But here's the thing: Michalakis, after ruining both filmmaking and the zombie genre, decides to take down physics too. Mussolini's head falls past his shoulders, yet in the next scene it's flying up over the rafters. Then, as if that little mistake wasn't enough, it suddenly teleports and changes directions again, falling through a basketball hoop. I can only speculate that the machete Baseball kid uses is made of the same material JFK's magic bullet was. That or Michalakis is a giant untalented douchebag who shouldn't be trusted with a spatula at the McDonald's he works at, let alone a video camera.

I'm gonna wrap this up by tackling the greatest philosophical question of our times. Since man learned to think he wondered if there was a higher authority of some kind, and if so, how that creature feels about humanity.

Well, kindly readers, in doing research for this movie at its IMDB listing (which, by the way, does not feature one goddamn picture of anyone so I couldn't figure out who was who), I came to find that nearly everyone involved with this movie decided that "I Was a Teenage Zombie" should be their last film project. They moved on to newer, better things, undoubtedly involving trying to score heroin behind the dumpster at Piggly Wiggly.

Watching this movie may have damaged my faith in our benevolent God, but reading that listing restored and augmented it. I'll see you guys at church - I'll be the one stealing corpses to make an army of radioactive zombies.

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade