The Ultimate July 4th Playlist

Want to have the most patriotic and fun July 4th celebration of all time? Load this playlist into your Zune! Please note that this will only work on a Zune.

Track #1: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to accompany your preparations for the day's festivities. What could be more American? Nothing, I tell you.

Let the bouncy beat whisk you away on a star-spangled cloud as you arrange hundreds of folding chairs, placing them perfectly. When the song reaches its crescendo, kick the first chair with all of your might. Watch as it starts a cascade of falling furniture, knocking each other over in a surprisingly beautiful display. The dust settles, revealing that the toppled chairs have spelled out the word "country". Only in America!

Track #2: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song for looking at the flag. Note how each stripe corresponds to a different woman. The first one is for a little bit of Monica in your life. The next is for a little bit of Erica by your side. The next one reminds you that a little bit of Rita is what you need. These are the founding principles of our great nation.

Track #3: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to listen to while grilling delicious food for all of your friends and family. Meat is expensive. Condiments are messy. Just gather up some lawn clippings from the neighbors. Trust me, they'll be happy to share. Dump all that stuff on the grill and close it. Three hours later, you will have very a unique salad. The best part? No more worrying about vegetarian guests getting left out!

Track #4 "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to listen to while gazing upon the constitution. Man, what a great ankle tattoo. Best decision of your life. Of course, there wasn't much room so most of the words are just squiggly lines. The important bits are still there, though: "God" and "otter" and "badminton".

Track #5: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to listen to while everyone observes a moment of silence, thinking about those who died for our freedom. Be sure to turn the song up extra loud. This will discourage any dumbasses from talking.

Track #6: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to accompany the big fireworks show. Clear the cobwebs off the barn door. Turn on your projector. Nod with a smug grin as the audience gasps at your fantastic drawings of fireworks.

To build tension, make sure your first thirty or so drawings are of unexploded fireworks. Images thirty one through fifty should be renderings of sparklers and those black things that grow like gross slow motion cans of worms. Fifty one through three hundred should be increasingly chaotic explosions of color. For extra emphasis, put the word "BOOM" in there alongside the bigger fireworks.

Track #7: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to listen to while you recall the moments that made this country great. The time you lost your virginity. The awesome Civil War re-enactment you saw. The Olympics. Star Wars.

Track #8: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to put on low volume while you dim the lights and make a big production of cleaning up. Take the hint, you jerks. Get out. Party's over. I'm sick of your shit. None of you even brought me July 4th presents. Guess I'm going to have to buy that Lou Bega autobiography myself.

Hidden Track: "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...) Remix" by Lou Bega

This is the perfect song to put on when everyone leaves and it's just you genuflecting in front of the George Washington tree. I haven't actually found this particular remix and I don't think it exists yet, but the basic idea is that the song is played at twice the normal speed and looped once. This means that in the same amount of time that it would take to listen to "Mambo Number 5 (A Little Bit of...)" once, you are hearing it two times. That is an incredibly efficient use of your time.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)