I Am Immortal! I Have Inside Me Blood and Things (Yeah!)

Welcome to ETERNITY, population: ME. Also check out my space package.Many neon orange-colored people often walk up to me ask, "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, what's it like to be immortal? How does it feel to progress through your life knowing you can never, and will never, cease to exist as a fully functional human being who irrefutably claims the title as the greatest webmaster of all time?" Then I walk outside and try to breathe some fresh air because, boy, the scientists who wrote the warning label on the spray paint can really weren't joking around. The perils of being immortal manifest itself each and every day I wake up to unsurprisingly discover I haven't quite died yet.

I have been highly immortal since the day I was born May 11th, 1976 to a bathtub gin baron and his wife, a retired flapper with a heart of gold. The birth was nothing spectacular; nobody in the delivery room had any idea my mother was launching an immortal being from her vagina at speeds up to 100 miles an hour. Ever since that fateful day nearly 29 years ago, I have been living the life of a man unafraid of the grim reaper's icy cold hand. I travel through this world with the brazen confidence of a man who shot both the sheriff and deputy, knowing there's absolutely no way my life will be snuffed out before its time, as my time is all of eternity. How do I know for a fact that I am immortal? Simple: I haven't died yet.

You see, the easiest way to determine your immortality status is by taking a very basic quiz. I researched and wrote this questionnaire myself, so if you feel like copying and pasting it to your Livejournal, you'd better think again because I've got like 40 Internet lawyers just sitting here on phonebooks and waiting to sue your ass for stealing my website quiz. They all graduated from the School of Online Lawsuits, so you can be sure they mean business. One of them also knows a little Kung-Fu.

INTERNET QUIZ: DETERMINE YOUR IMMORTALITY STATUS

Question #1: Are you dead? (Please select only one answer)
A) Yes
B) No
C) I don't know
D) All of the above
E) None of the above
F) Some of the above

If you chopped this guy's head off, he'll die. I hardly call that "immortal!"

If you answered "A," then no, you are not an everlasting creature destined to walk the Earth for all eternity. You see, immortal creatures do not die, they go on and on no matter who tries to stop them, much like Paris Hilton's career. If you answered "B," then you probably still aren't immortal, as recent studies by CNN have proven 5 out of 6 Americans aren't immortal, they're just alcoholics. I don't know what you are if you answered anything from "C" to "F" except possibly a terrible quiz taker.

I have not died a single time in nearly three decades, making me an expert in the field of immortality. With this in mind, I have decided to help you, the uneducated, moral Internet user, learn more about the lucrative industry of living forever. For example, did you know you can earn up to $2000 a week simply stuffing envelopes and placing hundreds of tiny real estate ads in papers across the country? It's true! Multiply $2000 by the number of weeks us immortal people live, which is infinity, and you can clearly see the unlimited potential for riches beyond all our wildest dreams here.

TWO SIMPLE STEPS TO OBTAIN IMMORTALITY

Step #1: DON'T DIE

This is by far the most important piece of advice to keep in mind during your quest to live forever. The leading cause of death since 1953 has been "the failure to continue living," so make sure that you never die, either through accident or otherwise. Make a majority of your decisions based off the question, "will engaging in this activity possibly cause me to die or stop living in any possible way?" If the answer is "yes" or "probably" or even "no," then you should refrain from partaking in such an event. Lock yourself in your house and cower in a dark closet for most of the day, armed with a shotgun and a bullhorn which plays "La Cucaracha" in a really menacing tone. Life is chock full of things that can kill you, so constantly look out for any hidden dangers which may prematurely end your life before you have a chance to live forever. Here's a short list of things to avoid unless you're not really committed to this whole immortality thing and you're just another mortal poseur:

1) Germs. Many scientists refer to germs as "nature's invisible killer." Germs are everywhere! They are invisible, just like a B-2 Stealth Bomber, and weigh 277,000 pounds, just like a B-2 Stealth Bomber. Your mouse and keyboard are crawling with millions of tiny, deadly germs interested in one thing and one thing only: killing you and using your lifeless corpse as a spokesperson for their pro-libertarian agenda. The only way to defeat these microscopic death spores is by purchasing a whole bunch of Windex and spraying it everywhere like a Japanese bukake video. You can also buy a few hundred of those Sharper Image Ionic Breeze contraptions, which perform the highly advanced scientific function of sucking in air on one side and pushing out air on the opposite. You will definitely notice a healthier smell in your house after purchasing one of these units, as the rancid, germ-infested odor from three $100 bills will finally be removed from your home.

2) Electricity. Many scientists refer to electricity as "nature's invisible killer." This is because while electricity can power your television, heat your microwaved food, and give you the power to call 911 when you suspect aliens are jumping around on your roof and making rude symbols in your cornfield, electricity can also surge into your hand at one hundred thousand million thousand billion megajoules per astronaut, causing your heart to explode like a stick of dynamite inside a bullfrog. Avoid any appliances which depend on electricity, as there's no easy way of predicting how they'll react once you plug them in to the wall. For example one time I was doing my laundry and, upon using my wet hand to stick a paperclip into the electric outlet, I received a powerful electric shock! Why did I do such a thing in the first place? Who knows! Much like in Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive," the only way to defeat the horrors of electricity is by shooting them with guns and smashing them to pieces while shouting, "WE MADE YOU! WE MADE YOU!!!" in a terribly shrill voice.

3) Natural Gas. Many scientists refer to natural gas as "nature's invisible killer." While it may heat your house and leave you warm at night, a gas leak could spell disaster if it were to ignite and blow up your house and you had a Scrabble game inside and it blew the pieces all over the lawn in such a fashion that the letters fell into a particular sequence displaying the word "DISASTER" when combined in the appropriate order. This colorless, odorless gas smells terrible and can suffocate you if it doesn't make you explode first. If you wake up in the middle of the night and feel as if you're choking to death on farts, run out of your house as soon as possible, jumping in slow motion the exact moment you suspect your house will detonate in a giant fireball. If you time your leap properly, the cameraman might additionally be able to film one of those Matrix-style pans around you while techno music blares in the background. I love techno music! My favorite type is goa-techstep-monsterstep-acid-psytrace-horrorcore.

Oh look it's death.

4) Nature's Invisible killers. Many scientists refer to nature's invisible killers as "nature's invisible killer." If you ever find yourself face-to-face with a ghost holding a knife or a gun, you should either flee or disarm him by pushing a button which rotates your entire room rotate upside down. That really won't do anything to stop the ghost from threatening you, but at least you'll finally get some use out of the button.

Ghosts are difficult to see without the use of special contact lens since they are invisible and all, so you should conclude any gun or knife you notice laying around is actually being held by a ghost. If you ever see a police officer, operate on the assumption that their handgun has been compromised and is being gripped by a ghost walking to the side of them. I've seen a lot of movies where people fight ghosts and more often than not the people end up losing, so if you find yourself confronted by an angry armed ghost, kill yourself and become a ghost so you can fight him on the Astral Plane. I think that's in Utah, so if you have any relatives living there, you may want to call them beforehand. The victor will be crowned "King Ghost" and will be given 100 SpookyBucks, which are just like ghost currency except you can only redeem them at the Ghost Emporium. Of course killing yourself might present a slight problem in one's quest to become immortal, so perhaps you should just play it safe and avoid all police officers and kitchen utensils.

5) Cookie Cakes. I bought one of these things from a mall bakery this weekend and let me tell you ladies and gents, this monstrosity is like a giant chunk of solidified diabetes. The concept of a cookie cake sounds awesome because, hey, I love cookies and I love cakes, and if America has taught me anything, it's that combining a bunch of crap to make a bigger wad of crap is simply a terrific idea. Unfortunately, "The Cookie Shop" baked up a tray of obscenely sweet death for me, undoubtedly to weaken my resistance to cookie-based attacks, thus leaving me defenseless for the upcoming invasion of the pastry chefs. I simply cannot explain in human terms just how morally offensive this unholy mound of sugar was. They took two giant cookies the size of truck tires, spewed a layer of icing in between them, and then greased up the top with another five-inch thick gob of teeth-shattering icing. Hey, everybody loves icing! People can't get enough of it! They should just sell bowls of icing from mall kiosks with names like "I.C. Icing's Sugar Shock Depot." For 75 cents extra, they'll pour Coca-Cola into it and mix it with some frozen custard! Mmmm mmm, do I hear the sugary-sweet sounds from thousands of people dropping over dead at once?

Step #2: KEEP LIVING

You can't spell "immortality" without the words "im" and "mort." I guess this means that you must be named "Mort" in order to live forever. No matter what your parents named you, it is imperative to remember that the key to immortality lies in living forever. You cannot suddenly decide to die or stop living at any time, regardless if you're 100 or 1000 years old. Immortality is a lifelong commitment, like leading a religious group or developing a crippling heroin addiction. If you don't think you've got enough moxie to refuse death's longing embrace at every step of life, then you should just give up now and accept defeat. Start smoking, go eat some McDonalds cheeseburgers, and pour hydrofluoric acid all over yourself because - hey - you're going to die eventually.. what's the point in prolonging it?

Here's a quick list of activities which could directly increase your life span upon engaging in them. Unless they don't, in which case they can't.

1) Take a lot of vitamins. I once read a bunch of vitamin bottle labels at a local GMC and I noticed they all listed crap like "Vitamin B," "Vitamin D," and "Vitamin C" on them. What do these healthy products all have in common? They all have letters. So check the ingredient label on something before you consume it. If there are letters somewhere in the list, then it's obviously healthy for you. If it's all numbers or written in binary, you probably shouldn't eat it, because quite honestly I have no idea what you'd be ingesting. The vitamins I'm currently taking cause my urine to turn neon yellow, and there's nothing healthier than piss which glows in the dark.

2) Don't ever exercise. Working out is the number one cause of something in the United States, so it should be avoided at all costs. A lot of people suffer heart attacks while performing even the most mundane of physical activities such as running the Boston Marathon or bench pressing an entire office building, so stay in your home and refuse to engage in anything more strenuous than lifting Doritos to your mouth or calling your mom a bitch.

I can't wait to see

3) If somebody gives you the Hellraiser box as a gift, don't open it. I recently presented my wife with her very own Lament Configuration Box as an anniversary present. I think she was suspicious of my motives at the time, partially because it wasn't our anniversary and partially because she discovered my plans to murder and collect her inheritance. After countless hours of study and research, she figured out how to solve the puzzle (rub your thumb on it counter-clockwise until something happens, much like those stupid Transformer decals you had to stroke repeatedly until they revealed if it was an Autobot or Decepticon). A bunch of demons from hell flew into our hotel room and tried to kill us with bad acting. Luckily I escaped and managed to participate in the films "Strip Search" and "Brooklyn Bound," despite the fact that my face resembles that of a horse.

4) Get a good night's sleep. The average American needs at least 20, maybe 30 hours of sleep a day to function at a socially acceptable level. Lack of sleep can easily result in tragedy such as auto accidents, assembly line injuries, and a Democrat-controlled White House. My grandfather used to say, "an hour awake is an hour at stake." Then he died before I had a chance to ask him what that meant. So, as you can see, being awake and saying things is the leading cause of death.

5) Take every pharmaceutical drug advertised on TV in between episodes of "Friends" and "Seinfeld." The people in those commercials always look so healthy and happy while running through green fields and playing which children who may or may not also be puppies. These drugs help you regrow hair, get erections, stop acting sad, conquer your allergies, overcome heart disease, and generally be the best person medical science permits you to be. Of course you might experience slight side effects such as sweating blood and uncontrollable vomiting from your ass, but by god you'll look really happy while doing it.

Being immortal isn't easy. It takes a lot of work and dedication to live your life without dying. But if somebody like me, an awkward doughy white webmaster who sweats and curses all the time, can do it, then you can too. I will soon celebrate my 29th year of immortality, confident in knowing I will continue to live forever because I obviously haven't died yet.

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– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)