iRiver Armband for T10 MP3 Player

I do not own the T10 iRiver, but this was given to me as a birthday present by a third grade teacher. She was naked at the time and had a really big patch of pubic hair. She never blinked and I knew something was wrong the moment she handed this to me.

Later I was underwater but I could still breathe and this was on my upper arm. I'm not sure if this is why I could breathe, I don't see that listed as a feature. I swam toward a huge clamshell and it opened and there was a beautiful woman inside made out of seaweed. She pulled me into the clamshell with her and started kissing me. The clamshell closed and went completely dark.

Then the lights came back on and I was in a hospital kissing a skinned sheep. I was holding a pearl in my hand. The sheep opened its mouth and a long tongue came out and started moving at me.

When I woke up I had an erection for six hours and I almost went to the doctor, but it finally went away. Not recommended, especially for kids.

Canon FAXPHONE L80 Laser Fax / Printer

Do not buy this machine. Whenever someone faxes you a picture the animal in the picture comes to life, only the animal is evil! Someone put a loop of bird pictures through the fax machine and they were furious. The crabs were no better.

Even if you pull the plug out of the wall they won't stop and it uses blood as toner but it takes it from your friends and family. You feel paralyzed and all you can do is watch when a hose comes out and siphons the blood out of their forehead and they wither into mummies.

I HATE this fax machine!

Peloponnese Country Olives, 5 lb

I don't like olives and these are probably the worst I have ever had. They move around when you put them in your mouth and if the Guardian sees you eating them he makes you eat the whole bag. They taste syrupy sweet at first, but after the first few they taste like ashes or dirt.

The worst part is you can feel them gnawing at your guts. The Guardian just laughs at your discomfort and prods you with his war fork to make you eat more. When you finish the last one I know they will all burrow and burst out of my body, but I have never finished the whole bag.

I don't know where Peloponnia is on a map, but I can only assume it's on the reverse hell side of the map.

The Video Atlas of Abnormal Bedside Ultrasounds

Great video to watch so you can see inside people laying in bed. I could see the gears inside the sleeping mail lady and the man who lives in the hollow in the old tree was full of jellybeans.

Not as great when things get hot and heavy. My last date was made out of thousands of birthday candles. The other bad thing is if your friend is a dolphin he'll be scared of you and won't want to be your friend anymore.

Recommended, but you have to close your third eye during sex and not for people with dolphin friends or if you think you may grow a dolphin head later.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful