This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: November 17, 1978
SUBJECT: Dress Code

This is not the television program "Gunsmoke," so leave the tall boots at home. Effective immediately, I will measure your shoes at the start of each workday. If they extend more than three inches from the sole of the shoe on upwards, you will go home without pay.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: November 20, 1978

SUBJECT: Thanksgiving Food Drives

I will not tolerate any employees donating Bear Cave Soup Co. soups to homeless shelters or soup kitchens. Soup kitchens are probably are biggest competitor, and it would be foolish to hand them free soup. If you consider yourself a loyal employee, then you should do your part to help drive all soup kitchens out of business.

Free soup is universally bad for business. Period.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: December 6, 1978

SUBJECT: Company Football Team

I am hereby disbanding the company football team because my talents as quarterback are going to waste. I am not throwing those textbook-perfect spirals to where you are, but where you should be. If you were any good, you would be there to catch them and score a touchdown. In my days, being fired was called being sacked. Since you, Roger Jones, allowed me to get sacked in the game, you are now sacked from your job.

The following employees can also clean out their desks.

Gary Belvedere
Luiz Calhoun
Short Charlie
Mike Grimes
Jake Wattley
Bruce Buchanan
Chester Dun
Mitch Blart
Rick Hamsworth
Bob Woolbridge

TO: Beau Brokeman
DATE: December 15, 1978
SUBJECT: The Size of Your Head

Don't think I have been ignoring the size of your head. I noticed it has gotten considerably smaller. I appreciate you following orders, Beau. However, your head has gotten too small for your body, and now disgusts me even more to look at. Because this is the Christmas season, I am giving you until the new year to get your head back to a reasonable size or find a new job.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: December 21, 1978

SUBJECT: Christmas Bonuses

Christmas is here and it is time to celebrate. All Christian employees will receive a promissory soup bond good for one case of Bear Cave Soup Co. soup once it matures in 10-years time. The rest of you can ask whatever pagan god you worship to give you a bonus, because I sure as hell don't give a damn.

Thanks to David Thorpe for helping write this and to the ghost of EDWARD "TIGER MIKE" MIKE DAVIS for his invaluable inspiration.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

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