A Beginner's Guide To Lost

When Lost premiered on ABC, it ruined the channel's long-standing tradition of not having very many viewers. Mixing drama, mystery, adventure and suspense in a unique way, it's a terrific show. The only people I personally know who don't like it only watched one or two random episodes several weeks after it started, which is a lot like walking in on your parents having sex mid-coitus instead of hiding in the closet beforehand and getting the full experience. Want to see what all the fuss is about but missed the beginning? Fret not, I'll get you caught up.

On its way from Sydney to Los Angeles, Oceanic Airlines flight 815 somehow gets 1,000 miles off course and breaks in half. The front section of the plane crashes on a tropical island, killing many but leaving 48 passengers alive. Already sort of unhappy about the crash, the survivors become totally bummed out when they get attacked by an invisible dinosaur that likes knocking trees over and screeching instead of going with the whole "invisible" thing and sneaking up on its prey. Building a makeshift radio, they try to call for help but discover a mechanical distress signal that has been broadcast from their island for the past sixteen years in a continual loop that by this point exists solely to perpetuate itself, sort of like the Simpsons. Everyone gets attacked again, this time by boars and polar bears. An agreement is then made: no more wearing meat necklaces while wandering through the woods. As the survivors of the crash band together to stay alive and try to find a way home, more mysteries of the island are uncovered along with those of their very own pasts.

Now that the stage is set, let's meet the characters and find out what little is known of their backstories.

Jack

The doctor of the bunch and all around good guy, Jack embraces the healing power of his mystical human beatbox sounds. According to him, his beats are more accurate than a surgeon's scalpel and catchier than the common cold. This unorthodox method of treatment is only effective against athlete's foot and minor scrapes and bruises. Any injury worse than that baffles Jack and his solution quickly becomes "amputate first, and have a nice nap later". He's a natural leader because he's rather good looking.

Locke

Paralyzed from the waist down for years, once Locke arrived on the island he found himself able to walk due to the divine power of Jesus Christ Destroyer of Worlds. He has taken on a wise man/hunter role, manipulating everyone in the hopes of converting them to his wacky religion at some point in the future. He spends his free time staring longingly at the hatch of a mysterious buried chamber which has been sealed shut. When Locke tried to open the hatch, Jesus took away the feeling in Locke's legs again. Locke in turn offered up his companion Boone as a sacrifice by tricking him into a plane which was resting precariously on a cliff, taking advantage of the younger man's penchant for fancy clothing by claiming there were "totally rad" fur coats inside. Of course there were no furs, only death and tacky capri pants. Jesus deemed this sacrifice satisfactory, so he gave Locke his legs again and also opened the hatch in a glorious glow of light, revealing the briefcase from Pulp Fiction which was resting inside.

Kate

Being Canadian, Kate was naturally a professional thief whose biggest heist was robbing a bank's safety deposit vault for a toy plane. Blessed with such an ingenious criminal mind, it's a complete surprise that she was in custody of a marshal who was bringing her back to the US when the plane crashed. She now spends a lot of time splashing water on herself while in her underwear and casing out teddy bears or comic books that are ripe for the plucking.

Charlie

A heroin addict that was the bassist in a now-dissolved band, Charlie is quite useless. It's obvious that he played a hobbit in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, yet no one on the island has said anything about it which is another mysterious mystery of the island's mysteryness.

Michael

He's the best at what he does, and what he does is get hit by cars and maintain a strained relationship with his estranged son Walt. With no cars on the island, Michael wanders around aimlessly with an axe and eventually tries to build a boat that will take him to a happier place with crowded streets and poorly placed traffic signs.

Walt

Michael's son, Walt has abysmally lame powers which actually make Aquaman seem kind of powerful in comparison. He can summon animals by willing them to appear, but is completely unable to control them once they arrive. Unless the camp is going to be besieged by man-eating fire ants requiring the sudden appearance of an anteater to save everyone, they should stop wasting food on this kid.

Hurley

Hurley is portly, but he has to be. This much awesomeness cannot fit in a standard body. Using a set of numbers a psychotic friend gave him which turned out to be haunted by the ghost of Green Bay defensive great Reggie White, Hurley won the lottery and used the winnings to become even richer through multiple investments. The money itself was cursed since it was born of the haunted Reggie White numbers, and the richer Hurley got the more bad things seemed to happen to him and those he loved. If you look closely, you can see Reggie blink in and out of Hurley's scenes at random times like Brad Pitt did in Fight Club.

Sawyer

The bad boy of the group, Sawyer pretends he's meaner than he really is. Example: Someone once asked him how he'd describe himself and Sawyer replied "a real big jerk" even though he was really thinking "a jerk". He's a pack rat who collects everything that isn't nailed down, and is acutely mistrustful of the others. His most prized possession is the last box of Lucky Charms from the wreckage of the plane, and he'll be damned if the others get their hands on it.

Sun

Sun is more effective at healing than Jack. She uses plants and bugs to cure just about everything. Have a headache? Take this chopped up root. Have herpes? Try the same root, only sliced instead of chopped. Have cancer? This berry will cure it, but beware! As a side effect it will also make you smarter and clear up that pesky third nipple.

Jin

Sun's husband, Jin worked as an "enforcer" for her father so they could afford the comfortable life she was accustomed to. Aside from being overly protective of his wife, Jin isn't all that notable. He has super hearing, can fly, and has a modular cell phone with perfect reception but he really isn't sure how many minutes he's used up this month and those overages are a real pain in the butt.

There are a few other characters, but I didn't mention them because they were either too whiney or too dead and because this article is nowhere near as funny as it seemed in my head. I blame your parents.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)