Bite-Size Robots

Anyone who has read the infamous Space Robot prank or the listened to the newly released Space Robot MP3 (make sure to check this one out) knows that robots are inherently funny as all hell. Why? Because they'll eventually take over the Earth and kill us all, that's why. Fortunately for us hairless apes, we've still got a couple hundred years to laugh at robots while they're in their retarded, stupid-looking infant stage. As of right now, the most advanced multi-billion-dollar robot in existence can only walk into a wall, fall over, and squeal "*BEEP BEEP BEEP*!" while having its head spin around like a frisbee. However, we all know that someday they'll all be effective, flawless killing machines that'll tear us puny humans to pieces within seconds, so we might as well get our jollies in while there's still time.

'Smallest' robot to take world by swarm - Oh no! It's a tiny, scary looking robot with a rubber-band propulsion system that can be easily taken off and flung into a far corner, leaving the miniature automaton completely helpless! Ha ha, run!

Never fear! Help is here, if I can just... umf... climb over this stunning obstacle! I'm the size of the dime and store a copy of Pac-Man on my back!

Engineers with a government national security laboratory have created what they think could be the world's smallest robot -- a brainy, mobile machine that can stop and almost sit on a dime.

Sporting track wheels and an 8K ROM processor, it could someday perform a host of arduous tasks like disabling land mines or searching for lost humans, scientists said.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, MAGIC SCIENCE! What the hell can you do with 8K of ROM, besides store a thumbnail of one of my pathetic MS Paint drawings? Actually, there are plenty of great things that fit on an 8K ROM - most Atari 2600 games were 8K in size or less - but how can you expect an Atari 2600 game cartridge to find a lost vixen in the woods? Videogame cartridges don't want to get involved with that kind of emotional crap. They just want to be jammed in an eager slot and played with, not unlike mapmaking sensation Cliffy B.

"This could be the robot of the future," said Ed Heller, a project researcher with the Sandia National Laboratory, which works under the direction of the U.S. Department of Energy.

WOW, the robot of the future, you say? An amazing claim, especially considering the robot already exists in the present! Look everybody! I just wrote the sentence of the future! What the hell? Stuff in the future hasn't happened yet, you moron. Thanks, Ed Heller, you helped confirmed the myth that all government-employed scientists are dumber than your average dead steelworker. The U.S. can only invent stuff if they steal scientists from Nazi Germany or Asia.

Based in Albuquerque, New Mexico, the lab also developed what it calls the fastest gun in the world, a machine that propels material 20 times faster than a rifle.

Mr. Professional Journalist just lost the focus of his article and went totally off the subject, but I'll let that slide. Hmmm... a 20x speed gun. An amazing innovation, eh? According to God and the NRA, what we all need is faster guns. Current guns are just too slow, especially now that people have discovered we're living in The Matrix and can slow bullets to a crawl, dramatically dodging them while wearing a trench coat and saying "WHOA."

Eventually fleets of the robots could scamper through pipes looking for chemical releases or patrol buildings in search of prowlers.

The robot has already navigated a field of coins, puttering along at 20 inches (50 cm) a minute on track wheels similar to those on tanks. The treads give added mobility over predecessors with conventional wheels, allowing it to travel over thick carpet.

Way to exaggerate, fellers! All you've got is a .003 MPH traveling robot that can barely navigate a Stainmaster rug terrain and climb its way over pennies, yet you're already proclaiming that swarms of these little idiots will soon be able to guard your house, zap robbers with their lasers, and carry the stunned criminal to the police department, stopping only to rescue a toddler trapped in a burning house along the way.

Instead of "Big Brother," some unsavory types might have to worry about the littlest robot; the machine could play a major role in intelligence gathering, according to the lab, which specializes in research to protect U.S. military and economic interests.

Heller and colleagues plan to outfit the mini-robot with impressive options over the next several years, including miniature video cameras and infrared or radio wireless two-way communications. "You might have to worry about what's sitting under your desk," Heller joked.

Zing! Give a comedy medal to Ed Heller! Actually, Eddie, considering the last thing you caught sitting under your desk was a one-armed transvestite hooker with a bad canker sore, you're in no position to make ha-ha jokes. Also, "Big Brother" was a horrible reality television show that was only watched by fruity Dutch people. Go back to the drawing board, you bloated buffoon. And don't come back until you have something we can use to kill those damn colonists.