A SomethingAwful Guide to Having an Awesome Break-Up

Step 43: Feel sad.

There's two ways to handle this lengthy and difficult stage. First, there's the traditional method, in which you get drunk a lot, spend way too much time at bars, and have lots of meaningless sex that leaves you feeling emptier and sadder than before. Then there's the nerd method, in which you play Team Fortress 2 a lot, spend way too much time on internet message boards, and don't have lots of meaningless sex the lack of which leaves you feeling emptier and sadder than before.

Either way you choose to handle it, the important thing to remember is that this is only a temporary stage and it will pass. Only, what if it doesn't? Most people eventually get over it, but what if you feel this miserable forever? Think how horrible that would be. It's not likely, but it has to be possible, right? Yeah, you're going to feel this bad forever and ever. It's never going to stop.

Step 44: Feel a little better.

This is usually marked by the moment when you look in the mirror and think "My god, I haven't bothered to shave in a week and I'm sweeping the floor wherever I walk." It's during this step where there are moments when you don't feel like shutting the blinds, turning off the lights, and sitting under your desk until you forget that you exist. Fight through those moments of happiness. Hold onto the misery. After all, she might hear how you're doing somehow, and if you're still doing really bad maybe she'll feel guilty and come back. This has worked successfully for many happy couples, I assume.

Step 45: Feel even more better.

It really is over, and that's ok. This is the stage where you catch up on all the life you missed while you were moping around. Get that reading done for class that you haven't even looked at yet. Apologize to your boss for missing two weeks of work except for the one day you showed up drunk and puked into his lap. Start smiling at girls you pass on the street and fall in love with every single one that smiles back because of the devastating power of your loneliness.

Step 46: Feel fine.

Just what it says. You've made it through all the hard parts and now you're healed. It was hard, but it's over and you've become a stronger person because of it. Great job!

Step 47: Call your ex.

You are so completely over her, and you'll explain that to her however many times it takes until she agrees to get back with you. Oh god, she has to take you back.

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink