Your Cat’s Review of Cat Toys

Winner: Spacious La Croix case torn open on one side. This case is one of the all-time toy classics. I’ve had countless hours of fun crawling into the box and just as many fun memories crawling out of the box. Can’t praise this toy enough.

Loser: Styrofoam two-bit trash mouse. As an apex predator, the polyester fur is more of an insult than anything else. It’s the cat version of a blowup doll, and it will sit ignored in the corner forever. I’d be utterly humiliated if anyone saw me with it, let alone actually touching it. Seriously, what an embarrassment.

Winner: Amazon Prime box partially full of packing paper. Like the La Croix case, this too is fun to go inside of, but due to the open top, getting out requires an exciting thrill with each hop. Open flaps provide numerous corners for cheek scratches. The thin packing material wrapped around whatever trivial junk you needed shipped in two days is a tactile sensation that is hard to describe. This is a toy that just keeps giving.

Loser: Cheap fabric tied to cheap plastic rod. That’s it, and it’s about as much fun as you might imagine. Dangling this above me is not enjoyable. Whipping it at my eyes is not enjoyable. Staring at it ignored in the corner is not enjoyable. Worthless idea, worthless construction, worthless result.

Winner: The flawless shoebox that contained your obviously bootlegged Yeezy Boosts. Though you blew your rent money and had to ask your mom for cash, buying these hilariously fake Boosts did provide one of the best boxes I’ve ever experienced. High quality cardboard, firm corners, and a smooth top, the Boost box is one for the ages. Your shoes, on the other hand, will disintegrate in water.

Loser: Plastic orb. The only good thing about this toy is that it rolled itself across your uneven floor to the corner. If only it could destroy itself next. 

Winner: Empty toothpaste box that I pulled from your trash and batted around the floor before knocking it down the stairs at 3am. Hearing it clatter through the darkness was a joy. Carrying it back up to the top and doing it again was a highlight of my life. A small glimpse into the future of cat toy innovation.

Loser: Piece of shit garbage sculpture. Seriously, this thing sucks.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)