I have had my fill of the horny bikini babe girlfriends. No thank you to the thong models from Instagram. I have had it up to here with the likes of these extremely attractive women who want to date me (constantly) and have sex with me all the time. I'm done. Because I only have room in this heart for one lady and she is the tour guide from Bee Movie.

Hot, full-sized women these days spend all their time thinking about themselves. They're used to being adored to the point of having fans. They can't carry on a conversation. They can't even buzz their wings against my frenulum until I achieve climax. They are much too big to cram down into my urethra with a pipe cleaner. Most of them don't even have wings.

Rules for dating me:

  • No hot women allowed
  • Be able to talk about something other than yourself for ONCE
  • Be an ungodly sexy bee tour guide
  • Have two brain cells to rub together
  • Yellow necktie
  • Be able to explain all the jobs at the honey factory
  • Be willing to live inside my asshole

Sorry, hot women, but this bus has left the station. The tour bus they take through Honex. The one you wouldn't know anything about.

I'm getting to that age in life where I no longer want to be chasing around 25-year-olds trying to convince them to wear the bee striped sweater and the yellow tie. I can't listen to any more boring conversations about Snapchat when all I want to do is sit at the front of the tour while my average, wonderful, intelligent, super horny bee girl edges me into oblivion.

I've dated smoking-hot models, sexy stewardesses, and even a naughty nurse or two, but I am done with all of them. I only have room in my life for a good girl who knows all of the ins and out of bees making honey. What do they call that rubber finger thing that scoops up the stray drop of honey? If you know, you could be my future wife. I don't have any money, or a home, or a job, but I promise to be a devoted, stay-at-home lifestyle slave.

If you are miniature and a bee and (hopefully) want to wreck my balls completely with your stinger, I am game for a date. I have an open mind as long as you are not another one of these incredibly sexy women who want to date me. And you are a bee. And specifically the tour guide bee. Actually, I don't have an open mind at all. I don't want to date ugly women or normal women. Just the bee tour guide.

It's the only thing that will get me going at this age. A normal thing guys go through at a certain point. Totally normal. Sorry, hot women.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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