The Blackwater TacOps Certification Exam, Written Portion

4. You and an allied military officer have taken a prisoner. You believe the prisoner knows the whereabouts of a high-value target. The allied military officer belongs to a nation that follows the Geneva Convention. How do you get the information from the prisoner?

a) Stress the benefits of cooperation and utilize proven police interrogation methods.

b) Suggest the military officer go have a smoke and then extract the information from the prisoner by setting their junk on fire.

c) Ain't nothin' in no Geneva thing about tying someone to a board and dropping a dook in their mouth.

d) See if a couple of air strikes can loosen those lips.

5. Your Operations Officer gets a contractual combat bonus for missions he oversees so he has instructed you and your battle buddy to drive a patrol in an unarmored vehicle through an extremely dangerous area. Your roof gunner paid one of those creepy hairy women dressed in sack cloth to have sex and he is incapacitated with a VD unknown to medical textbooks. How do you handle the situation?

a) Accept the planned patrol route regardless of personal danger, because you are a loyal company man looking out for the greater good.

b) Complain like big babies, crying about everything in the world, can't even do a mission like a grown up. Then go on the mission and die like pussies and have your corpses strung up from a bridge and the nightmare seems like it's over, but then your families start crying like even huger weepy pussies back home asking for your full paychecks even though you died before the full day was done. Jesus Christ.

c) Explain to your Operations Officer that he gets an injury bonus if any of you get injured on duty and then ask him to shoot you in the foot.

d) Patrol routes look a lot less dangerous once they've been air striked a couple dozen times.

6. You are back home for a month of R&R before your next rotation. Things seem to be going fine at first, but even driving sends you back to those days on duty. No one who hasn't been there can really understand. When your wife gripes at you about your dirty clothes piling up you just want to choke her out with your collapsible baton, show that bitch what it's like to live in constant fear of death, but instead you drink your way through your anger. Then, one night at a bar, some punk kid tells you to "watch it". Watch it? Watch it!? That little fag has no idea of the shit you've seen! This shit over here isn't even real! It's fantasy land! You'll show him real! How do you show him real?

a) Take out his legs with a sweep kick and drop your knee on his larynx.

b) Break your bottle over the bar and rearrange his face with the jagged end.

c) Shoot him in the belly and then discharge your sidearm repeatedly into the ceiling as the terrified patrons run from the bar. Scream, "I am the angel of death." Take a waitress hostage and use her as a shield for when the cops arrive. Once you come down from your anger tell her to watch and then shoot yourself through the roof of your mouth.

d) Dial 911 and calmly ask the operator if she could send a police air strike.

7. Your previous Operations Officer was indicted for treason after he was caught selling allied military secrets to a local warlord. Don't worry, he escaped to an Eastern European dictatorship. Your new Operations Officer is fresh off the turnip truck from Nebraska and he keeps talking about the Bible and "hearts and minds." How do you deal with him?

a) Accept his faith and hope the new policy of "not shooting random civilians" works better than the old policy of shooting them and then driving over the stuff that fell out of the holes.

b) Nod and smile and then go back out in the field and introduce some hearts and minds and other assorted body parts to 5.56 NATO.

c) Steer him away from the New Testament and back to Leviticus. Emphasize "wrath" a lot. "We're gonna show those rag hats some of the USA's divine wrath, right bro?"

d) Point out to him that there ain't nowhere in the Bible talks about air strikes being bad.

You have reached the end of the exam. If the buzzer has not sounded then please close your test booklet, put down your pencil, and await the end of the exam period.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)