Chinese TV Eliminates "Supernatural Drama" and Embraces "Positive Thinking"

True Stories of Chengdu State Hospital (Reality)

The Chengdu State Hospital, serving over 450 million in the Chengdu metropolitan area, is the source of no dramatic or unexpected medical recoveries. Patient outcomes fall exactly along statistical lines and there is no recovery that could be described as miraculous. In the first episode it is Chinese technology and training that allows almost 50 miners to survive a coal mine collapse that killed 9,000 of their coworkers.

Gymnastic Age Undercover (Documentary)

An unprecedented analysis of gymnasts participating in the 2008 Summer Olympics by medical and scientific experts reveals the shocking truth behind this often misunderstood subject. Study of edicts demonstrates State to be infallible. USA and other gymnasts were possibly underage, while triumphant Chinese gymnasts could not be any age other than what the State declares in official age documents.

Military Parade 2050 (Science Fiction)

A nine-hour parade of realistic future military hardware and ranks of cyber soldiers resplendent in optical-shifting phase suits. Hu Peng, favorite military parade announcer of Beijing, will provide parade announcing and describe the glorious weaponry of the future Chinese hegemony. Special Blu-Ray 3D version includes cut scene depicting captured USA and UK soldiers marched to be lobotomized for human robot duty on the front lines of Indianapolis.

Discovered History (Documentary)

New history is uncovered revealing surprising facts about the world around us. Episode 1 to feature Moon Landing actually Chinese, how the Chinese were first in space, Chinese invention of the atomic bomb in 1910 AD, Chinese invention of the telegraph in 500 BC, Chinese papyrus in 6,000 BC and Chinese Dinosaur Discovery of the Week featuring what dinosaur thought to originate elsewhere actually originates in China. Completely factual based on State University of Beijing Decrees.

Could White People Actually Be Neanderthals? (Science)

Investigation into research that white people are descended from Neanderthals. May also apply to Latino, African, Japanese and Koreans. Filipinos actually literal monkeys. Just a theory though based on science tests that will be explored on the show.

Chinese Contribution Hero (Gameshow)

Similar to American Idol, but contestants must demonstrate what they contribute to the growth of our Chinese Century. The Honorable Party Judges must determine whether each contestant assists in China's monopoly on exotic metals used in the production of micro-electronics or whether they are producing valuable export goods to finance the construction of more unaffordable luxury housing that will sit empty for the next 20 years. The 19-hour debut episode will feature many unusual characters competing for the 260 slots on the opening show. Excessively unusual characters will be sent to live in the country.

Is the State influencing every facet of life in China creepy? Of course. Could their TV actually be worse than TV in the USA? No, because the Chinese don't have best-selling authors like Snooki or George R.R. Martin around to muck up TV with their literary pretensions.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)