What your professor means when they cancel class

Class is cancelled because I am ill

I have dedicated my existence to something you will never care about or respect, and today the thought of facing you all is a bit too much. Maybe I'll feel better about it tomorrow, but probably not, so I am now on my couch watching the Price is Right and trying to think about why Drew Carey's head looks so weird and not the fact that we have drastically different goals for this course.

I have very little/nothing to say, but by contract and duty I am expected to stand in front of you and make you do work despite the fact that you too have very little/nothing to say. In an effort to escape this endless turmoil we have both been sentenced to, I have cancelled class under the false pretence that you will work on your own time. By acting like this is a charity for you, I hope that you fail to realize that you are being cheated out of something you already paid for.

Class is cancelled because of weather

I think we should all take a moment and just reflect on how lucky we are for this blessed natural event. Thank you snow, thank you subzero wind-chill. Our lives outside of class are so different, but we are united over our appreciation of awful weather. There are children in New Mexico who never get the chance to skip school because of snow. Can you even imagine?

We are from two different worlds, you and I. At this conference, I will spend days upon days in Omaha hearing people talk about things more boring than you could ever imagine. For me, this is a vacation that I marked on the calendar with a smile. For you, this is an agonizing hell. I wonder if we'll ever find the middle zone. In the meantime, be sure to post on the discussion board.

Class is cancelled but here is a project for you to finish by our next meeting

Here is an assignment I won't be reading. It will be tangentially linked to whatever larger project we might be working on, but only in the stretched terms of "both require you to write something or other."  Ultimately it does not matter because your natural instinct to copy whatever comes up first in Google will render your work worthless. It will, however, give us something to talk about, which is more than I can say about my family.

I got dressed this morning. I drove to school. I parked and even made it to the front door of the building before I changed my mind. It was too late to warn you, so I called the secretary as I sped off campus and asked them to hang this sign on the class door. This happened ten minutes ago.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)