E3 2012 Predictions

• After picking up his 47th discarded energy drink can, a disgruntled sanitation worker sets fire to the omnipresent NOS tent outside the convention center. The fumes from the blaze fill attendees with significantly more mental focus, and also cancer.
• Recovering from dental surgery, a heavily medicated Hideo Kojima meets a cosplayer who he actually believes to be Solid Snake. The two men are arrested later that night for trespassing and tearing the head off of a security guard.
• A press conference gaffe achieves meme status so quickly that it actually becomes sentient. This self-aware ball of energy wanders the streets of Los Angeles in search of meaning until it is murdered by cops tired of waiting for something to shoot. The resulting trial finds three superior officers sentenced to the spanking machine for five minutes each.
• The convention center's Internet access will be non-functional for twelve hours. But before people learn that every thought passing through their minds doesn't have to be fed to the Internet, a homeless man with a wifi hotspot sponsored by Sketchers wanders by.
• Ignoring the orders of their flight attendants, a plane full of game journalists refuses to shut down their iPads during takeoff. The only person to publicly mourn the resulting fiery explosion is ostracized from society and forced to live in a wet ditch.
• Rockstar gives away promotional switchblades as part of their Grand Theft Auto goodie bags. Surprisingly, this unfortunate choice barely increases the staggering amount of daily stabbings in Los Angeles.

• The European press colludes to fashion the stupidest question to ask at a Q&A panel. Upon hearing it, the surrounding crowd rolls their eyes so violently that their optic nerves snap, rendering them blind for life. Part one of the invasion is complete.
• A troubled D-list celebrity, thinking he's been asked to host a major press conference, wanders into a public intervention full of his friends and loved ones. The following two hours of screaming, crying, and ultimatums end up being far less awkward and embarrassing than Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft's conferences combined.
• The newest Call of Duty is revealed to feature a new game plus mode, which allows players to take their campaign character on an exciting post-war adventure which involves catching sepsis from a military hospital and applying for entry level jobs where their trained killing skills can be best suppressed. A Blockbuster Video map pack is promised to launch for 800 Microsoft Points before Christmas.
• A booth babe helps an attendee gather some spilled belongings. On his death bed sixty years later, he will remember this event as the happiest of his life.
• The final joke about the Wii's name is made. Unsure how to react, passersby begin crying tears of blood.
• Those who receive the Streetpass of Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime find a mysterious box outside of their hotel rooms the next morning. It houses a red pill and a blue pill, both of which contain a significant amount of poison. Fils-Aime's reputation as a notorious practical jokester is upheld for yet another year.
• A terrorist organization attempts to kidnap Minecraft's Notch for ransom, but ends up with a room full of identical fedora'd and bearded white men. They select one at random and earn 50,000 dollars for their efforts.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey