By visiting certain websites blocked from your work computers and hiring professional lip-readers to decipher your mouth movements, we have somehow discovered that this company is experiencing a serious morale crisis. Any discussion of whether or not morale is too high or too low, and who exactly is at fault would be just a distraction, and also an HR violation. In order to bring morale back to standard levels, please consider following these new mandatory directives, the not following of which will result in loss of job.
- Your voice should matter! Unfortunately, we have to listen to the voices of our shareholders first, who want you to make as much money for them as fast as possible. But in order to give you the peace of mind that we value your input, we have installed a suggestion crematorium in every department. Have something on your mind? Just write it down on a piece of paper and stick it in the slot. Every night, your thoughts and feelings will be incinerated into fine ash, which will later be scattered to the winds at the exotic locale of our next executive retreat. You may not be allowed to attend, but the charred remains of your hopes and dreams certainly will!
- We have received several anonymous complaints about being forced to work weekends, with the only incentive being free pizza. We partially apologize for this, and understand how some would feel insulted because of our actions. So we've decided to rectify them. Now, during your mandatory work weekends, we will offer free pizzas instead of one free pizza.
- Based on certain sources, we have learned that specific conference rooms in our offices have been designated as "crying rooms" where stressed employees weep in inconsolable anguish during the day. When we heard this news, we were shocked and saddened. According to our records, none of these rooms were officially booked using our Google Calendar system, not to mention the fact that occupying one of our 73 conference suites for selfish reasons stands as a massive waste of productivity. If you must cry at work, please do so inside your car during your designated lunch break, or if you don't own a car, on the corporate shuttle to and/or from our office park.
- Having problems at work? Always remember: The kind staff in the HR department are paid to make you think they're your friends! Instead of turning to journalists about what you feel are unfair corporate practices, schedule a supervised and recorded session with one of us! In just 15 minutes, we'll help you realize that ultimately you get to choose how you feel, and feeling overworked and undervalued is just a state of mind. Note: Personal HR sessions are only available to employees who work 100 or more hours a week as part of our "Team Players" corporate initiative.
- Remember, we at EA are one big, happy family. We have our ups and our downs, but ultimately we're all working together for the same goals. Now, let's say this family owns a farm... that's a pretty reasonable scenario. And this farm has a horse. The horse is you. Now let's say this horse has seen better days. The family is well within its rights to take the horse out back, shoot it, and sell the hide. If you ask us, that horse had better get its act together! Before we shoot it. Figuratively.
– Human Resources