The White County Sheriff's Office Now employs five actual Draculas to terrify your staff. These Draculas will simulate an active shooter by menacing you with Dracula death. They will mist form, they will jump up on the ceiling like a bat, they will flash red eyes at you and hypnotize you, and they will drink your blood. We are going to have teachers get into a coffin with a Dracula one at a time. This is the equivalent to our hostage situation execution drills.
But it's not just about being afraid, it's about fighting back. We will teach you how to fight off an active shooter by using your superior numbers. You will throw books and backpacks at him. You will rush him and try to make him so full on human blood that his reflexes are impaired. No garlic or crosses will be permitted in this situation folks. Keep in mind, these are not Draculas for the purposes of the simulation, these are active shooters. And we are sheriffs so if you get mad about being bit by the Dracula and you try to fight back we will kill or arrest you.
Lagoon Creatures - Great for a school or business with a water feature.
Aliens - In space no one can hear the active shooter, which is why you need to be prepared for every eventuality. We have purchased the eggs already, just looking for a host.
Ghosts - This active shooter is going to bust and it will make you feel good (terrified).
Frankensteins - Still working on this one. We have hooked Fentanyl ODs up to car batteries and have some promising results, but nothing yet.
Jasons - Stomps around very similar to an active shooter. We are in contact with a supplier of premium grade summer camp Jasons that will stalk faculty and students tirelessly.
Freddies - The nightmare of active shooters is coming to life and it might just look like a tongue coming out of a telephone to lick your ear.
Please keep in mind that some injuries may result during active shooter drills. Your children might suffer from Dracula bites, the faculty has a small chance of contracting lycanthropy, and teachers might just be stalked by an indefatigable Egyptian corpse king in search of his lost canoptic jar. We are professional sheriffs, not maniacs, so we will do everything in our power to not let the Draculas eat all of your blood.
Thank you for your understanding. Our only goal is prepare you for active shooter scenarios and we promise we are not sadists or maniacs.
Seriously, not maniacs.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.