Another Awful Energy Drink Review Roundup (Part I)

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

Mountain Dew Supernova

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: The second attempt in Mountain Dew's three-part series, "we have no idea what we're dew-ing here." Mountain Dew Supernova, much like the average type-II space supernova, consists of regular Mountain Dew "with a blast of strawberry melon flavor." Active, expressive verbs such as "blast" help the consumer know there's a whole boatload of energy crammed into this drink, as the FDA has strict guidelines regarding drinks containing blasts. I think you have to file 15 years in advance to market a drink that promises any sort of blasts.

Regardless, "a blast of strawberry melon flavor" translates to "congratulations, now your burps taste like a tomato patch is growing in your digestive tract." Kudos to the REAL LIFE, ACTUAL MOUNTAIN DEW SUPERGENIUS who came up with the awesome idea of taking fake artificial strawberry flavor and somehow using advanced science from the future to mutate it into something even more artificial than Tupperware. Finally, a drink inspired by the taste of the dancing strawberry bonus from Mrs. Pac-Man.

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: I'm starting to lose my faith in these REAL LIFE, ACTUAL MOUNTAIN DEW DRINKERS if all they can come up with is crap the color of Barney the Dinosaur's blood, reeking like a raspberry with deep-seated emotional issues. Taste-wise, it's your generic underpowered Value-Save grape cough syrup, only with a higher sticker price and tendency to make you hack up bits of your own lungs.

Rating: 6 / 10 (Rich), 6 / 10 (Frags)

Mountain Dew Revolution

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: I don't think I can handle all these awesome revolutions in one year; first the internet commanded me to join the Ron Paul movement, and now Mountain Dew is conscripting me into their uprising? I simply cannot donate more of my time to such revolutionary causes as "bitching about the government taxing my animes" and "drinking a lot of soda." It's already difficult enough dividing my time between trips to the bathroom and IRC.

Fortunately, the Mountain Dew Revolution is quite easy to avoid, thanks to their repulsive "wild berry fruit flavor" festering in each bottle. I'm not even sure what a "wild berry" is; I think it's like a blueberry you discover beneath a filthy diaper discarded in the middle of an abandoned Food Lion parking lot. The Revolution initially tastes like Mountain Dew Voltage, but much like the Ron Paul Revolution, it instantly nosedives into failure. If "wild berries" are neon blue and taste like swallowing children's lipstick, then don't count on my donations to fund your stupid blimp, Mountain Dew.

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: I thought this was the same thing as Voltage, at least until I caught inhaled a bit of its rancid odor. Taste-wise, it's essentially a slightly more medicinal version of Voltage, except maybe 0.04% less wretched. Unfortunately, this drink did not inspire me to revolt against my boss for forcing me to chug horrible energy drinks and write equally horrible unfunny comments about them.

Rating: 5 / 10 (Rich), 5 / 10 (Frags)

Hydrive Energy Drink From SPRING WATER (Acai Berry)

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Nothing says "RAGING ENERGY" quite like "USING YOUR MOUTH TO DRINK SOME WATER." This is why you always see crazy people running around near downtown public fountains. Also, the water in Pierce Brosnan's hit film "Live Wire" caused people, particularly terrorist clowns, to explode. Exploding water is the ultimate energy drink!

Unfortunately, Hydrive won't make you explode; it contains the raw, unbridled energy of drinking from a bathtub. Wait, scratch that; its label proclaims each bottle has been "made from electrolyte enhanced spring water." That means Hydrive contains the raw, unbridled energy of drinking from a USED bathtub. Upon twisting open the cap, you'll soon realize Hydrive smells much better than it tastes, and this energy water smells like an obese man shoved a blue Jelly Bean into your nostril. Needless to say, there's not all that much energy packed into the average Hydrive, so you'd be better off swigging normal tap water and asking the aforementioned sweaty, obese man to spray some electrolytes all over your face.

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: Oh good Christ, it smells like a mixed drink made from off-brand rubbing alcohol. And the taste... it's like water's a deformed twin brother, or perhaps this is what the water tastes like on Jupiter's least-popular moon. It's like drinking from a faucet where wasps built a nest in the filter. Or maybe the water pipes are rusting and leaking some sort of cancerous chemical into the tap. Or maybe your friend grabbed a dusty, filthy glass that had been sitting unwashed on the counter for weeks, filled it with water that had been pooling in the sink, and gave it to you because he's a passive-aggressive pansy who would never personally tell you he secretly hates you and also he's insanely jealous of the way-too-attractive women you bring over on a weekly basis.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: The previous rambling, incoherent, obscenely psychotic sentence is an example of what Hydrive can do to a man.

Rating: 5 / 10 (Rich), 3 / 10 (Frags)