Another Awful Energy Drink Review Roundup (Part I)

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

Sobe Essential Energy

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Sobe is the only company offering you ESSENTIAL ENERGY. This means that if you fail to purchase and consume this drink several times a day, YOUR BODY WILL DIE. If I worked for Sobe, I'd suggest something along those lines for a marketing slogan. "Sobe: DRINK OUR SHIT OR ELSE YOU'LL DIE." Then change the name from "Sobe Essential Energy" to "Sobe No-Die." If the FDA give you any problems, threaten to cut off their supply of Essential Energy, thus causing them to die to death until they're all dead.

Essential Energy is essentially a raped orange somebody shoved into a can and then scrawled the failed phrase "Better-For-You Energy" all across it, perhaps in an attempt to trick some braindead simps into believing there's some remotely healthy chemical in it. Oh shit, Sobe Essential Energy contains pectin? My phalanges craves pectin! Give me a can of this garbage before my body decides to suddenly fall over and die from pectin withdrawal! Just juice up and carbonate a mechanical orange from hell for me right now, barkeep!

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: I was a-"pectin" something much better than this! HA HA, GET IT?!?! Like Rich says, this promises ESSENTIAL ENERGY, but it's ESSENTIALLY GATORADE: it smells like Gatorade and I really, really expected it to taste like Gatorade. In a sense, I guess it succeeded; it tastes like Gatorade... if somebody opened up an orange cooler and repeatedly vomited into it after eating a six-pack of expired White Castle cheeseburgers.

Rating: 5 / 10 (Rich), 4 / 10 (Frags)

U-Green

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: I'm not technically sure if this qualifies as an "energy drink," as the can is decorated with foreign, possibly alien symbols traditionally burned into midwestern farmers' cornfields. The few, sparse words I could decipher included "French," "green tea," and the letter "U." While none of those terms are traditionally associated with energy drinks (except maybe the legendary "Vitamin U," which I'm sure some company promises 1,000 precious milligrams in each can of their energy drink), I did find U-Green on the same shelf as all these other beverages, so I have to assume "U-Green" is the French bastardization of an American energy drink.

Much like all foreign knock-offs, I can't really figure this one out. U-Green lacks both a taste and scent, unlike the traditional American energy drink which assaults your brain with violent science fiction oranges fresh off the ship from "Event Horizon." U-Green tastes like drinking a baby dragon's ghost. Also, I just noticed the can's slogan is "Let it Pour," one of the absolutely most meaningless and pointless things you could possibly write on an energy drink. I mean, come on, American companies pay jerks money to come up with dumb shit like "CRAVING the need to be NUMBER ONE, a FUEL BURNS in your LOINS to SPRING INTO ACTION with the RIGHTEOUS FURY OF A SCORNED OXEN!!! POUND AND CHUG PURE VITAMIN B-6 for SEVERAL HOURS STRAIGHT until THE AUTHORITIES KICK DOWN YOUR DOOR and arrest you for EMAILING AWESOME DEATH THREATS TO THE PRESIDENT!!! You know IN YOUR HEART that 6000 MILLIGRAMS OF UNFILTERED GINSENG and TAURINE will MAKE YOU NUMBER 1 and give you A VIOLENT ERECTION THE SIZE OF A LOG FLUME."

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: Did somebody leave a can of the world's most not-straight ginger ale in the cupholder of a soccer stadium during a rain delay? This beverage is blessed with a "boring tarty" flavor and I really can't detect any resemblance to tea at all. On the positive side -- and this website is all about positive sides -- the drink did not make me want to do end my own life. "Let it Pour" down the drain.

Rating: 6 / 10 (Rich), 8 / 10 (Frags)

Full Throttle UNLEADED

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: Oh dear Lord, here comes the stupid: "Believe your eyes, naysayers. This can of Full Throttle Unleaded may have zero carbs but it's 100% Full Throttle." Who the dick writes this shit? Am I seriously supposed to believe there's an irate group of consumers somewhere, pissed off and rioting because carbohydrates are ruining their enjoyment of terrible energy drinks? And since when did "Full Throttle" become an adjective? Is the stack of burnt, crumbling charcoal briquettes in my back yard considered "Full Throttle?" What about that deer corpse that's been rapidly decomposing on Colbern Road for the past five weeks? I saw a whole bunch of fluid and meat chunks which looked packed full of vitamin B-12 hanging out of its ass.

It's best to ignore their message regarding naysayers; believe your taste buds instead of your eyes when it comes to Full Throttle Unleaded. Your taste buds will believe you're submerging them in concentrated brine juice from a pickle jar. Nothing screams out "powerful energy drink" quite like a substance designed to simulate the experience of consuming an entire bowling alley.

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: How could you not mention its stench? This smells worse than the odors that drift from the pile of hair above Rich's head. I can't exactly place the scent, but it smells so strong that it might disinfect all the self-inflicted stab wounds that result from drinking it. Visually, it's intensely yellow: way more yellow than a firebombed school bus carrying people to a Big Bird convention on the sun. Wait a minute; does canary urine have carbohydrates in it?

Drinking this seriously made me cry out in pain. It's like drinking rotted wood that's been decaying in a mummy's haunted tomb. The after-taste burns through your nasal passage with disgusting speed and intensity, like packing your nose with pure cocaine and then competing in a distance sneezing competition. I absolutely couldn't finish the two ounces I was given.

Rating: 2 / 10 (Rich), 1 / 10 (Frags)

That's all for part I; stay tuned for part II this Thursday! Also, if you know of any particularly reprehensible energy drinks we should be reviewing, drop me a line!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)