The First Thing They Teach You On The Job

The first thing you learn as a Surgeon:

Watch where you place your feet. You don't want to step on the pedal to activate the trap door under the patient unless it's absolutely necessary.

The first thing you learn as a Ghost Hunter:

You can't kill a ghost with a traditional bow and arrow. You've got to dip the arrowheads in poison.

The first thing you learn as a Security Guard:

When a hacker inserts a surveillance video loop into one of the monitors at your station and the feed warps for half a second, smack the screen. Now give it a distrustful glare before returning to the food/hobby that defines your entire existence.

The first thing you learn as a Truck Driver:

Pull the horn thing. AROOO! AROOO! Pull the thing that makes the horn go. It's a chain with a handle and you've got to pull it twice. TOOT! TOOT!

The first thing you learn as a Waiter:

You've got to pick up the food from the back and put it out front. If you do it backwards, the chefs will get super fat.

The first thing you learn as a CEO:

Consider the person at the lowest rung of your company's ladder. Figure out how many hundreds of dollars they fall short of having a comfortable living wage. Now take that figure and multiply it by a million dollars to determine your yearly bonus. This, as far as anyone can tell, is your entire job.

The first thing you learn as a Ranch Man:

This is how you lean against the fence post and look at the mountains while drinking a tin cup of coffee. Remember, your expression should not only convey satisfaction of a job well done, but masculine aloofness.

The first thing you learn as a Something Awful Writer:

If you're consistently terrible at thinking up feature titles anyone would want to click on, everyone will be extra impressed when one of your articles becomes moderately popular.

The first thing you learn as a Chimney Sweep:

The chimney is the brick hole that goes up vertically through the house's roof. Don't go near the horizontal brick hole sticking out of the back of the house.

The first thing you learn as a Professional Baseball Player:

You will find more hay than you could ever need piled up in the corner of the locker room before and after each game. You will never want for hay as long as you live. The only catch - you must not speak of this taboo arrangement to anyone.

The first thing you learn as a Cruise Ship Captain:

The Cruise Control button popularized in Speed 2: Cruise Control does not actually function as a cruise control toggle, but as a distress signal to alert the coast guard that a passenger is watching Speed 2: Cruise Control.

The first thing you learn as a Bicycle Repair Person:

Before doing ANYTHING, no matter how minor, always remove the blasting caps and C4 tube from inside the bicycle's frame.

The first thing you learn as a Beach Lifeguard:

Once a swimmer is ten feet above sea level or higher, they're out of your jurisdiction.

The first thing you learn as a Door-To-Door Door Salesman:

If you knock and they're able to open the door, the sale ain't happening.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)