Welcome to WikiGeist, Your Online Source For Ghostly Answers
Q: Help! I think I might be a ghost!
A: You are not a ghost.
Q: But I can't get anyone to respond to me, and no one seems to notice I'm here! Are you sure I'm not a ghost?
A: No one notices you because you are grating and unlovable. You have convinced yourself you are a ghost as a coping mechanism so you do not have to address your massive character flaws. By inventing a supernatural cause for your inability to socialize and befriend others like a well-adjusted human, you can pretend that you are fine the way you are. In addition to this, ghosts do not use the internet due to Electrostatic Etheromyalgia, which will be discussed later. This page is useless to you. On the off chance a ghost is looking over your shoulder from a safe distance, it is for them.
Q. Wait, this is impossible. I can't be a ghost because ghosts aren't real.
A: Please state your objection in the form of a question. This is an FAQ.
Q: How did I become a ghost?
A: Ghosts are created when your human consciousness is unwilling or unable to pass to the Other Side, and instead manifests as various phenomena in the Physical World. The cause for this is as variable as it is personal. It may be that you wished to witness the birth of a child, or were waiting for a lover, or were killed in a state of disbelief and confusion, or you did not empty your Gmail inbox. You might even be too stupid to realize you are dead, much like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense.
Q: The Other Side? You mean Heaven or Hell?
A: There is an answer to your question that is both satisfactory and enlightening. It is also totally irrelevant because you are stuck here forever. Enjoy watching your friends and family discover the answer to life's greatest mystery while you figure out how to write on foggy mirrors.
Q: Speaking of which, what are my powers?
A: Different apparitions have different powers, based on their classification. 75% of ghosts can do some minor tricks that could be accurately described as ' Mildly Spooky'. The other 25% have Very Scary Powers and pay for it by being constantly in torment.
You are in the 75% of Mildly Spooky ghosts because you are reading a webpage over the shoulder of a person that no one else likes.
Q: Is there any way to communicate with the living?
A: Probably, but I doubt they want to hear from you.
Q: What about those ghost hunter TV shows? Can I get into one of those?
A: Much like real life, the chances of you appearing on TV are virtually nonexistent. When those shows actually do film a ghost, it is always one of the 25% of ghosts with special powers because they make for good TV. Listening to your sob story about how you got hit by a drunk Lacrosse player on a moped and were knocked out before falling face-first into a 4" deep puddle where you proceeded to drown is not good TV.
Q: This sucks. How do I get to be one of the 25% of super powerful ghosts?
A: You cannot. Those ghosts got to where they are by their acts in life.
For instance, Poltergeists were obscenely aggravating narcissists in their life and continue to insist that everything be about them in death. The fact that they cannot get what they want only makes them angrier and that is why they break things. They are also responsible for over half the comments on YouTube videos. The Manananggal of the Philippines, which has the hideous torso of a woman and bat wings and can detach her torso and likes to feed on pregnant women with its proboscis, originates in tanning bed accidents. La Llorana, the weeping woman of Latin America, did not drown her children as folklore says but rather was a helicopter parent that fell overboard during whitewater rafting. Japanese onryo are perfectionists who were very unsatisfied with how untidy their deaths were and come back to bug everyone about it.
Q: And Banshees?
A: Screamo vocalists.
Q: Can I have sex with other ghosts or even people, like Dan Aykroyd in Ghostbusters?
A: Not unless you died having sex. Then you will have ghost sex for eternity. It is not the good kind. As for Dan Aykroyd he is a completely unique entity who exists in every universe and dimension possible and is able to copulate with all life forms. It is theorized that he may also exist outside the time-space continuum and be responsible for seeding life across all time and space. If so he is the first person to be his own grandfather.
Q: Wasn't that Tom Arnold?
A: If you are so smart why are you reading an FAQ page?
Q: Is it possible for me to be destroyed?
A: No, but scientists predict that the universe will eventually succumb to heat death so that may work in your favor.
Q: Is there anything that can hurt me?
A: Not with pain like you experienced in life. Yours will now be a completely cognitive form of torment. For instance, running water attracts ghost energy. If you died outside you may be drawn to a river which would be a peaceful place. If you died inside you can easily get stuck in the U-bend of a toilet.
Electronics in the modern age often utilize WiFi and Bluetooth technology which interferes with your spiritual cohesion and causes the intense phantom pain known as Electrostatic Etheromyalgia. This effect is why every electronics outlets feel soulless and void. Apple Store employees are very much similar to ghosts in that they are hollow mimicries of beings with substance and life, with the exception that ghosts are souls without bodies and Apple Store employees are bodies without souls.
You should also be aware that humans are not the only kinds of ghosts out there. There are ghost ships, ghost planes, ghost cars, ghost towns, ghost limbs, ghost dogs, ghost lions, ghost worms, ghost magazines (all back issues of Teen Vogue), ghost sharks, and ghost dinosaurs. There is a very real food chain full of ghosts that may eat you in a ceaseless vain quest to sate their hunger. If this happens you will pass through the ghost's digestive tract without harm and be excreted. Because you did not satisfy the hunger of whatever ate you, your devourer may be very upset and attempt to consume you again. This process can last for millennia.
Q: Is there anything at all redeeming or pleasant about my experience as a ghost?
A: You have plenty of time to figure out how people make balloon animals.
Q: Hold on, who is writing this? How do you know so much about ghosts?
Q: Dan Aykroyd?
I'm ruined. Every dream in my life has been dashed. Fantastic product! Would buy again!
Astronaut AJ Tucker returns from a long hiatus to offer his insight about the possible "alien probe" spotted zipping through our solar system.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.