Food Network's Diverse Range Of Programming

The great thing about running an entire channel devoted to a single topic is the inherent amount of creative freedom. There's no need to figure out what your show should be about. It's probably already right there in the name of your channel. Done. Now you can expend all of your energy on innovative and unique ways to approach the topic from every angle with a variety of distinctive shows.

Or you can do what the Food Network does, and make a hundred series with the same premise.

Ultimate Recipe Showdown

Working under a time limit, challengers must prepare meals. A panel of judges decides which dish is the best.

Guy Fieri is a 40-something year old man that bleaches and spikes his hair, wears shades across the back of his head, and believes that wrapping a sweatband around his eternally sunburned forearm constitutes a trademark look.

He is physically unable to refrain from spouting fake laughter and terrible catchphrases such as "everybody in the pool" and "off the hook" and "it's going to be money", which had already been coined by slightly less annoying people.

Iron Chef America

Working under a time limit, challengers must prepare meals using a secret ingredient. A rotating panel of judges decides which dish is the best.

Alton Brown is the coolest man on the planet. He has an actual sense of humor (which he isn't afraid to turn around on himself), takes a scientific approach to food, and has a knack for explaining potentially complex or boring concepts to the viewer in an entertaining way.

Alton also hosts The Next Iron Chef, where challengers must prepare meals using a secret ingredient while under a time limit. It's sort of like Iron Chef, but mixed with reality tv so every nearly-noteworthy moment is preceded and followed by one of the contestants sitting in front of the camera and recalling what happened.

Oh, and he hosts The Next Food Network Star, which is like The Next Iron Chef (preparing meals under a time limit, sometimes with secret ingredients, while on a reality show) but with more crying and supposedly dramatic pauses.

Chopped

Working under a time limit, contestants must prepare meals using secret ingredients. A panel of judges decides which dish is the best.

Ted Allen is the rich, sophisticated, boring man's Alton Brown.

He comes across as a very knowledgeable and nice guy that's always on the verge on saying something funny - although that never actually happens.

Food Network Challenge

Working under a time limit, challengers must prepare and decorate elaborate cakes. A rotating panel of judges decides which dish is the best.

Keegan Gerhard has this goofy, yet rigid delivery that's reminiscent of a middle school class clown suddenly becoming very nervous as he delivers a monologue in the school play.

In every competition, you can count on Keegan saying something along the lines of "this is a really crucial point, and these chefs are going to have to step it up if they want to take the big prize" or "at the end of the day it's win or go home".

Which is to say, he'd be perfect on American Idol.

Throwdown With Bobby Flay

Working under a time limit, challengers must prepare their signature dishes to compete against Bobby Flay's version of the recipe. A rotating panel of judges decides which dish is the best.

There is not a doubt in my mind that if Bobby's last name had been "Placebo", he would have been a professional medical test subject.

"Hey! Bobby Placebo, how's it hanging?"

"The usual, just popping pills and making bank. Hey... what's with these diodes on my cranium? Are you a manifestation of my dream? Am I in a sleep experiment over here?"

Bobby Flay adopts a tough guy persona so he can scowl or act unimpressed in lieu of thinking of something interesting to say. I would make fun of him for doing this, but it's exactly how I would get through life if my grumpy face didn't lead people to ask if I'm about to cry.

Dinner: Impossible

Working under a time limit, Robert Irvine must prepare several dishes for large events, sometimes with surprise themes and ingredients. Party attendees judge the results.

This guy is without a doubt the most scary, muscular chef since Adebisi pulled kitchen duty. Most people assume he's an avid weightlifter, but Robert Irvine insists that his body is simply the result of a healthy diet on a four hundred pound plate, eaten with oversized utensils made of stone.

Worst Cooks In America

Working under a time limit, the worst chefs in America attempt to prepare dishes without injuring themselves. The show's hosts decide which dishes are the best.

The chemistry between Anne and Beau can only be compared to peanut butter and peanut butter with a slightly louder, more shrill Boston accent.

With all the sincerity of a public figure's public apology, these two take every opportunity to exclaim how much they disagree with one another for the sake of drama. This conflict always comes across as somewhat confusing, as they seem to be male and female clones extracted from the same lethargic approximation of an actual person.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)