Golfweek Retractions

Golfweek would like to retract our last issue's cover, which featured a swinging noose alongside the caption "Caught In A Noose" in very large letters.

This image was not a sensationalistic ploy to to sell magazines. We would never stoop to such a shameful low.

In fact, the image wasn't related in any way to the cover story about a golf broadcaster who slipped up on air and said that the only way Tiger Woods could be stopped is if other players teamed up to "lynch him in a back alley".

The entire debacle was the result of a simple clerical error. The image we intended to put on the cover was that of a goose, to coincide with a feature about PGA Tour player Retief Goosen which did not appear in the magazine.

We apologize for any confusion this error might have caused.

We mistakenly listed Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour as the most realistic golf simulation ever made in last issue's "Off The Green" feature. The game that we intended to feature was Mario Kart 64.

As a part of our "Scavenger Hunt 2008" contest, we hid several secret messages throughout last week's magazine. Did you find them?

If you did, please disregard them immediately. Instead of golf clues I mistakenly printed my social security number, home address, bank account information and Golfweek email login/password.

Also, if anyone knows how to reset an email account's password, please contact me immediately.

Last week's issue was drippy and wet, like it was dunked in a mixture of honey and pork drippings or something. We can't account for the origin of this wetness as it certainly wasn't an editorial decision, but the incident has left us both fascinated and apologetic.

Golfweek would like to retract a photograph that we ran in last week's "Breaking News" column which featured a shrunken Tails Prower having intercourse with Sonic the Hedgehog's urethra.

In our rush to make the deadline, we failed to recognize that the image was not a photograph, but a crayon drawing on a Red Lobster placemat, and that the word balloon reading "Oh Sonic, your penis is the only woman I need" would not be captured by any non-military camera.

Our last issue featured a rape-themed crossword puzzle that proved to be quite a challenge for many of our readers. We apologize for failing to explain that the correct answers had to be converted to gibberish in order for the puzzle to be solved.

Golfweek would like to retract last week's review of the new Big Bertha driver club. The article, consisting of nothing but ASCII Garfield caricatures, was a rough draft. We apologize to anyone who may have bought the club as a result of this misleading review.

The "How To Hotwire A Car" graphic on page 10 of last week's issue was incorrect. You want the blue and white wire, not the green and white one.

In last week's issue, we wrote a detailed account of the ED-205 blasting that board member dude's guts all over the OCP office in Robocop. The correct model of the robot was, in fact, the ED-209.

As it turns out, it is impossible to hit a golf ball all the way around the Earth with just one shot. This is due to modern inventions such as airplanes and rocketships cluttering the sky, making it impossible for a ball to travel more than a few miles before being knocked off its trajectory.

In last week's issue, we stated in no uncertain terms that ghosts should not be allowed to play in PGA events, even if they receive a sponsor's invitation. This was clearly a mistake on our part. Instead of making such an assertion openly, we merely meant to imply it.

There is no Esperanto word for "rimjob". We were certain that there was, but apparently we were wrong. We apologize for this.

Our profile of American Gladiators' Wolf listed his hobby as "Howlin' around" when it is, in fact, "Fangin' around".

Very few courses have an 18th hole with a "get it in the Clown's Mouth with one shot and win a free round" offer. In fact, only a handful of 18th holes light up and signal nearby tinny, rock-shaped speakers to play a ten second clip from the hit song Macarena.

We apologize for stating otherwise, and are saddened that such a fine long-standing tradition has fallen by the wayside.

In our last issue we lamented the fact that conjoined twins who are connected at the head cannot french kiss each other, but we overlooked the chance that their foreheads could be connected at exactly the right angle to make this feat possible. Our sincerest apologies go out to those of you who were deeply affected as a result of this error.