Gooncon 2K4: Where Eagles Dare

As you probably know by now, Something Awful commemorated its 5th anniversary this past weekend in style, with over 400 members meeting in Las Vegas to eat pizza and watch Feeders 2. Richard "100 Piece Puzzle" Kyanka presided over the events using a loudspeaker and rawhide whip to keep the mass of unruly nerds organized. Most of the writers and forum staff were on hand, with the exception of Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez, who sold his car tires for a gram of black tar heroin. Zack “Geist Editor” Parsons was in attendance with forum admin Fistgrrl, as was the pride of Indiana, Josh “Livestock” Boruff, and none other than Mr. Nerdshoe himself, Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen. Dr. David Thorpe was also there, and took time out of his busy schedule of music critique to take me to see Danny Gans, and then molest me in the back of a Limo. Indeed, it was a star-studded gala event filled with laughs, tears, tickles, and fears.

Now imagine, if you would be so kind, a banquet hall filled to the brink with almost a half a thousand, festering goons. Some may say that the room was filled with a cluster of genetic catastrophes; that never before has such ugly been packed in one place at one time, and that for the sake of mankind, somebody should've barred the doors shut and set the room ablaze, killing everybody inside. They would be correct, yet this event was about the power of the Internet to help overcome your social handicaps through comedy and hard liquor. To say it was a tad rowdy at moments would be an understatement, yet for the sheer volume of mostly young men to be in one area at the same time without destroying something or tipping a car over is a commendable feat. Most of the people were on their best behavior, except for the guy that tackled Fragmaster for no reason whatsoever. Well, I have to admit that he was just asking for it with his pompous demeanor and Stratego battle raps.

From his holding cell in Las Vegas where Lowtax is currently residing while the police sort out the facts surrounding the after hours Platinum party in the Aladdin suites, he has sent me an ESP message asking if I would do a short write-up on Gooncon, complete with a variety of pictures of the said event. This is a little difficult for me since I was not at the event very long because I was busy losing my fortune playing poker and conducting an expensive Axis and Allies match with 4 hired escorts, but I will post a few pictures for your enjoyment. The question on everybody's mind is, "can Internet nerds conduct actual conversations without sitting in front of a keyboard and editing it for 15 minutes before posting?" The answer is no, but it seems like almost everybody still had a good time, with minimum drama and no doorknobs stolen. Don't worry, most likely the manslaughter charges will be dropped and Lowtax will be free in no time. Now, let’s look at a few pictures from the event, shall we?

Oh the humanity! Without the power of the Internet, none of these people would've ever known each other or met on this groundbreaking occasion. Another reason why computers are evil and must be destroyed! But I jest. These people are very cool and will give you money if you ask nicely.

The man himself, Richard "Slay Bells" Kyanka. Here he relates the tale where he was visiting his great uncle and accidentally saw him naked in the shower, and that gave him the idea to make this comedy website. Then he went on to bombard the crowd with free merchandise, lollipops, and rusty nails. Later on at the party, Rich wore a very festive Hawaiian shirt, and if it wasn't for his aggressive heterosexual musk, I might've called his gender preference into question.

These two clowns are an example of this generation being filled with weisenheimers and scallywags. In my day, guys like this would be shipped off to Vietnam where they would learn respect lying on their bellies in a rice field, staring into their dead friend's face. These jokers are just asking for it.

When the casino sees the goons coming they close the buffet, am I right?

"What can I get for $400?"
"Half a blowjob".

Livestock and Fragmaster turned out to be quite saucy lads who share my disdain for crowds of people and loud noises, so I spent most of my time with them trying to flee into the desert by foot. During the course of Saturday night, we decided to pay for a really cool helicopter ride over Las Vegas, the co-pilot being a busty escort and the helicopter itself was painted like the American flag, and also the co-pilot was a dog wearing sunglasses that looked just like the world famous Lassie. It just goes to show you that anything is possible in Las Vegas, the American dream at work.

Here a goon is putting a straw through another goon’s nose and drinking a Long Island iced tea. I like Long Island iced tea because you get a lot of alcohol and it tastes pretty good.

Just some fags.

I am making a joke here about the people at Gooncon being ugly. The important thing is that we are all beautiful on the inside. Wait, that's not true.

The goons packed into the Caesar’s Palace event center where they were organized by size and registration date, and then placed into trains where they were taken to a labor camp in the middle of the desert and exterminated, therefore providing a solution to the "goon question".

Fragmaster being interviewed for the Gooncon documentary. He rambled on about the proper methods to milk a cow, the time he was molested by his dad's drinking buddy, and how stupid a documentary about Gooncon is. I have a feeling it's not going to make the cut.

Lowtax chatting it up with cousin Balki. A man in a pink dress is sitting behind him.

The line for the booze at Lowtax's penthouse suite party was a little long, but it paid off if you nabbed one of the 75% vodka screwdrivers they were mixing. By the end of the night many of us were pleasantly drunk and ready to go to the In-N-Out Burger to eat animal flesh until we puked and fell asleep in each other's arms out in the warm desert air.

Internet love is a beatiful thing. It's a great place to hook up.

Well that's about it folks. A huge amount of people from the Internet met in Las Vegas and nobody was raped or murdered (on purpose). I call that a victory and think we all deserve a big round of applause for this being a large success. Many thanks goes to Rivetz and Bizarro Toby who put a lot of organization and time into this, and made this happen. And of course we also have to thank Mr. Lowtax who without his beautiful dream to make a funny website, we would all be reading Fark and slashing our wrists in boredom. But that doesn't get him off scott free for making me watch Feeders 2 after drinking a lot of beer. It will take years of therapy to come to terms with that movie. Anyway, here's to five more years of laughs and tomfoolery! (If you have a drink handy, please clang your glass against the monitor and drink. You have 30 seconds to comply.)

Fuck you Aladdin! Give me back my sock, you cockroaches!

Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here finally back from Gooncon. I think Mr. Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz forgot that I even went! We'll have to do battle at dawn with pistols now. That means I have to be up rather early, so this week's goldmine is going to be a bit short. I'll make next week's longer to make up for it.

Sometimes, our parents do crazy things. And what should you do if you ever catch your parents doing weird things? Remember them and then post stories about the wacky things they did when you get older. This time, we've got a nice story from forum Goon RoboCunt detailing how her father used to keep kids from doing foolishly dangerous stuff. By shocking the living bejesus out of them.

Enjoy Crazy Dad Stories!

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz