About a month ago, I found myself contemplating which race-baiting public figure was the most obnoxious: Al Sharpton, Matt Hale, Louis Farrakhan, or Fred Phelps. Each of these wacky, zany, neuron-misfiring blowhards are known for their tough talk on racism and why they're being oppressed by people who either have the same skin color as myself or the completely opposite color. Now I can understand where these folks are coming from; I oppress a good 10-15 people each day, usually with my patented "Oppression Stick," a flimsy twig which has a Ping-Pong ball taped to the end. The problem with determining which race-baiter is the most obnoxious stems from the fact that they are all crazy in their own special way.
Al Sharpton is a short, pudgy black individual who despises anybody who isn't black, especially the Jews. The reason for his vocal hatred is due to the fact that he resembles a fat black bowling pin with terribly unfortunate hair.
I eventually came to the conclusion that Matt Hale is undoubtedly the most obnoxious race baiter currently in the race for racism. His website, combined with his colorful and impressive psychotic history, made him the number one choice. Now you're probably asking yourself, "hey Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, what does the winner of your race-baiting contest receive?" Simple: an email prank.
The following email was the first message I sent off to Mr. Reverend Prime Minister President CEO Matt Hale. Since his "church" is constantly low on donations, mainly because he's a batshit looney tune that no rational person would ever give money to, I decided to get his attention by offering to advertise on his wonderful website which features many white people looking very happy, probably because they are neither Jewish nor black. Before I present the first salvo towards the good Matt Hale, let me explain that the photos accompaning the emails are of white people, the same white people Mr. President Lt. Governor Matt Hale is fighting for. They were not included with the messages for obvious reasons.
From: Richard Kyanka Dear Reverend Matt Hale, |
I have recently "come" into some extra funds, and I've been attempting to decide how best to donate these funds to causes I believe in, causes that are underfunded and lack the publicity they so richly deserve. I feel that your website and Mr. Fred Phelps websites, both of which express a strong sentiment that many proud white Americans are afraid to voice, deserve this "extra" money I recently "came" into.
Fred Phelps does an excellent job exposing the fags, but he neglects to mention the filthy lesbians that spread their dyke disease wherever they go. I was in the store the other day and saw two butch-looking women... WITH A CHILD! God never intended for the human race to engage in such activities, and I find it morally offensive that these dykes can romp freely through our grocery stores and other public places like the Home Depot without at least getting jailtime or something. I would like to run a series of anti-lesbian / anti-dyke ads on your site, either in the form of banner ads or square ads that are inserted on the left or right columns of your neatly designed page. Everybody knows that fags are sinners because God is throwing AIDS at them like that nigger Donkey Kong ape threw barrels at the white plumber. However, the lesbian agenda is being overlooked, and I feel it's past time we brought this to light. Something like:Although I never expected Dr. Reverend Queen Mother Matt Hale to be smart enough to do an Internet search for my name, I used a different email address (since the @somethingawful.com might just give me away). Since money was involved, it immediately piqued Vice President CCP R&D Matt Hale's attention, so he replied with the following:
From: Rev. Matt Hale, P.M. Dear Brother Kyanka! I am very happy to hear from you about this and appreciate your desire to help our great Church financially. Can you make us an offer? I have to admit that this is new for us, your proposition. Essentially, whatever financial help you can provide, we need. So, if perhaps an inch high banner denouncing queers is worth a certain sum to you, just let me know what that sum might be. We can then bill your credit card each month automatically. The only thing we couldn't do is have any ads that encourage violence. Ideally, something like "Homosexuality is a Mental Illness" or something like that would go over best. We look forward to hearing from you again soon and thank you again. RAHOWA! Yours For A Moral White Eternity, Rev. Matt Hale, P.M. "The Jew is through in 2002!" -Rev. Matt Hale in his "State of the Church" Listen to the Church's dynamic internet radio program! |
Oooh, I, Brother Kyanka, can buy "an inch high banner denouncing queers!" I guess in magical whitey-land, people measure computer graphics not in pixels but inches! Non-Jewish inches! Detective Police Chief Matt Hale unfortunately turned away my anti-lesbian ad because I suppose it was too violent and didn't contain the cryptic RAHOWA! message which the good doctor Hale sees fit to include in every message. For you non-racist people, "RAHOWA!" means "RAcial HOly WAr." You know, because one of the original Bible passages read "shave your heads and shoot black people" but some Jew tore out that page a long time ago. Those damn pesky Jews! Always up to their old tricks!
Since my initial idea was rebuffed, I decided to change my message to be a bit more public-friendly, just like Senor Captain Rev. Matt Hale's message of "the Jew is through in 2002!" See how clever that message is? It rhymes! Wow! Only a white heterosexual Christian could think of something so ingenious! Not a black guy because he's out drinking malt liquor and eating fried chicken! And not a Jew because he's too busy taking over the world and all major media outlets!
From: Richard Kyanka Dear Rev. Hale-
As for your rule prohibiting ads that encourage violence, I completely understand. My initial ad idea was purely for shock value so people would see it and say "oh my!" and then, after thinking about it for a few days, would realize "oh my, that ad was 100% completely correct!" because the ad would stick in their mind. Here are some other slogans I came up with yesterday during my hourly prayer and introspection towards the state of the White race:
Obviously these two slogans have a bit of humor to them; this is to make it seem like a more friendly message so people will remember it more easily. They might have a hearty chuckle at first, but the message will sink in and stay with them. Do you think this is a good idea? You've obviously had more experience with promoting your message than I have, since you run your own church and I'm just the regional vice-manager of the Redmond Dairy Queen franchise 371 (where, unfortunately, the government requires us to hire a certain amount of niggers to work the Slushie machine), in addition to trying to run a web hosting service that my friend Nathan takes care of. Any input from you would be greatly appreciated since you're the expert in this area. On a somewhat related note, have you had any experience with "animation gifs"? They are apparently web graphics which have the ability to animate over time, like have a picture of a bird fly around and perch on top a mailbox and such. I was thinking that perhaps the graphic we display could promote our message, then flash (for like 1/100th of a second) a subliminal message such as "protect your daughter" or "don't trust the dykes" or "don't let your daughter be fucked by a nigger." Do you have any experience or knowledge with this? If not, do you have any web designers that do? I am very interested in researching this and believe it could be a great help to our cause. Anyway, I seem to be rambling on again. Sorry about that! Please respond whenever you get a free moment. I realize your schedule is very full ATM (at the moment), so I look forward to hearing from you whenever you get the opportunity. God bless you and our white brethren, - Richard |
Thank you very much for your prompt and courteous reply. In my previous dealings with online churches and resources that reflect my passions and way of thinking, I do not believe I've gotten such a polite email as I have from you. For example, I previously attempted to contact Mr. Jack Chick quite some time back with an offer of a donation in exchange for a pamphlet promoting my anti-dyke propaganda. To sum it up to you (without wasting too much of your valuable time), my idea was as follows:
However, Mr. Chick never replied and I was forced to give up on this idea. This is quite unfortunate, as I feel his worldwide publication of fine brochures is an excellent way of spreading our pro-good / anti-evil Jewish propaganda. I'm not sure what happened with him, but I decided to simply move on and seek other ways to communicate my / our message.I thought my idea of hypnotizing lesbians through animated gifs was an absolutely fantastic idea since maybe we could save a few bulky broads from falling into the evil, wicked clutches of the homosexual lifestyle. Why hasn't anybody ever thought of that before? Animated gifs would be a surefire way to "reform" those crazy fags; I guess my ideas are just ahead of their time. Unfortunately, Brigadeer General Matt Hale still felt my message was a bit too heavy-handed for his classy site. I feel like such a fool!
From: Rev. Matt Hale, P.M. Dear Brother Richard! Great to hear back with you. I am polite by nature, by the way. If I cannot do something, I'll simply say so rather than allow a guy to wonder. Your offer was quite beneficial and respectful and therefore, it would have been immoral for me NOT to respond. Now let me answer your questions: 1) We are right now rated 50,000 in the world which means that out of all of the many millions of websites, we are the 50,000 most traveled. Quite outstanding, actually. We are second to none in the White Racial Loyalist Movement. 2) We don't believe in utilizing sexual vulgarity to get our point across. It detracts from our message in my opinion. 3) Lastly, I have no experience with animation gifs. I am sure however that our webmaster could put you in the right direction. His email is webmaster@wcotc.com I look forward to our hearing from you again soon! RAHOWA! Rev. Matt Hale, P.M. "The Jew is through in 2002!" -Rev. Matt Hale in his "State of the Church" Listen to the Church's dynamic Internet radio program! |
Oh man, he doesn't know how to make "animation gifs!" What a letdown! After reading his various Pro-white Anti-everything else propaganda, I would've figured this guy had his act together. As an odd coincidence, the night I received his email I also saw him on an HBO special entitled "Hate.com," which portrayed him as the decent, upstanding, highly NOT-psychotic hero he is to millions of... well, something. I felt the documentary made him out to be a hate-mongering, ignorant, insane man, when in reality he's... I can't finish this sentence.
From: Richard Kyanka Dear Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.,
I recently caught your appearance on that HBO special, "Hat.com." I feel that you were portrayed very negatively, what with the innuendoes towards you hating the Jews and blacks and such. They took a very one-sided and heavy handed approach towards implicating you in a large amount of crimes. If you were guilty of something, wouldn't you be in jail now? They should've brought that up, because if you're guilty then they throw you in jail. I know this personally due to the time I drove my car through the back wall of the Arby's because the damn Indian bitch working the fry machine was spitting in my food. They'll do that, you know. So I drove my car through the wall and it didn't really do too much damage to the Arby's but my car was crushed to bajeezus and back (not to use the Lord's name in vein). The cops hauled me out and gave me a beating even worse than the last time they grabbed me for domestic abuse charges, which is an entirely different matter because my ex-wife had panty eyes and was cheating on me with that Polish asshole down the block from me. I knew it from the time she came home and smelled like laundry detergent. Ah, I seem to be rambling here again. Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood because the pepper spray is still wearing off.
Is there anything else I can do to protest against this obvious Jewish attack against you and your followers? I tried to construct a picket sign but I realized I had no markers and I live far away from the HBO headquarters (which I believe is in the ultra Liberal faggot playground of California, a place where you are rewarded for getting AIDS from a ghetto street lamp). I already canceled my subscription with them, but I would like to continue to hit them "where it hurts": their pocketbooks (or fannypacks or whatever).
Once again, thank you very much for your reply. I still can't believe I'm communicating with a person as famous as you! If my parents were alive, they would be very proud. My dad worked in a lumber mill until the Jews took over the corporation and decided to "cut costs" by installing cheap fans above and, as a direct result, one of the lumber fans fell on his head and crushed him. It was at that moment when I realized the truth of what's happening out there and that for our white race to survive, we must band together and show strength, unity, and adhensimony. If you could, *PLEASE* reply back before July 27th, as I'm afraid I may run into some legal consequences if I don't cut you a check or arrange a formal agreement by then. The sooner the better. Thank you very much and God bless, - Richard Kyanka PS: I do not hate the blacks as much as I hate the Jews. Will this be a problem? |
Thank you once again for your reply. I appreciate your upfront honesty and forwardness and wish that all people, particularly political leaders, could be as courteous as yourself. It's hard to find people who have the same moral integrity and high standards as you in this world anymore, and believe me I've been looking. For example, I've lived in Vermont and Arizona, and I didn't find any of those people there. I even looked in the woodland areas and couldn't find any. Reading your responses is like a breath of fresh air and I am very thankful of the politeness you have shown to me.
Anyway, I think you were unfairly portrayed in "Hat.com" because they didn't point out any of the positive things and community-building activities you encourage. Also, all the photos of your website were from so long ago and look antiquated compared to the slick professional design it now embodies. They should go back in and edit the "documentary" (I use that word loosely) to show pictures from your new website so people will know the true Rev. Matt Hale and not this evil entity they tried to pass you off as. For crying out loud, the photos of your website were old! That just goes to showcase the Jewish bias and influence they have, which must be overthrown as soon as possible, like by this weekend at least, because that's when they're showing "The Frighteners" starring Michael J. Fox. You should begin an email campaign to force HBO to edit their movie "Hat.com" with footage of your new website so they at least get ONE part of their biased propaganda correct. How do you feel about that so-called "special" regarding yourself and how they callously lumped you in with hate groups? I thought it was unfair so I wrote the executives this letter:
Now back to advertising.At this point I realized the email correspondence was getting too long, and frankly, it wasn't exactly really fun pretending to be a racist. I decided to conclude this thrilling email prank with this message, the final email between our brief but enjoyable affair:
From: Richard Kyanka Dear Rev. Matt Hale, P.M., I have just found out that I do not, in fact, hate the Jews or homosexuals or minorities. I had originally thought I hated all of them but my fiancee pointed out that I was confusing "Jews" with "sharks," "homosexuals" with "rush hour traffic," and minorities with "soccer." With this in mind, I must apologize for wasting your time and wish you the best of luck in your eternal quest to kill all people who disagree with you and your really wacky beliefs. Thank you very much, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka |
If I'm ever murdered in the immediate future, you can probably chalk it up to this series of emails. I put my life on the line for the sake of comedy! ROOHOWAH!!!
Who Knew Sex Could Be This Dull?
Zack here, it's that time of the month again! This week I'm bringing you a Hentai game that is so monumentally dull and tedious that it will bore your socks off of your feet, make them fall asleep, and then have dreams about their socks getting bored off. This powerhouse of tedium is entitled "May Club", and get this, the plot is about playing a computer game called "May Club"! AWESOME!
It would take incredible mental fortitude to romance multiple women simultaneously. The difficulty of this, caused by boredom and frustration at the timing system, is exacerbated by the fact that almost all of the girls look and act the same as each other. I have a nebulous memory of a sort of existential overgirl that consists of a shy office type who is upbeat and childish and seems to be deeply troubled by something. I recommend this game for those masochists who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and wish to seemingly prolong the final days of their life until they actually see death as a release from monotony.
Oh daggone! I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had playing "May Club", bar none the "most exciting" Hentai "game" in "all of recorded history".
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Previous Articles
- A Battle.Net Player's Illustrated Primer
- Leonard's Big Legal Roundup Rodeo!
- Fort Scientology!
- Post Office Pandemonium!
- It's Crime Fightin' Time!
