I'm So Enlightened, I Just Can't Hide It

Most people think humorists are worthless and loathesome individuals who write ass jokes because they can't cut it in a "real" profession. These people are, of course, right. There is an exception to this rule, however, and I am that exception. I'm like the Greek philosophers, really, only I don't wear a funny robe or have modern plumbing.

With the entire classroom staring and giggling at my naked body, I learned the true meaning of shame. It was right there, the third word in the weekly vocabulary list our teacher had just handed out.

Everyone's so impressed by the gigantic pyramids in Egypt. I don't think they'd be as impressed if they knew what I know: the Egyptians were actually trying to build very small rectangle-shaped houses.

That day at the zoo changed the way I thought of animals forever. What really seperates us from these beautiful creatures, I wondered? As it turned out nothing, aside from a reinforced steel fence and the protective suit that I made out of delicious meat and honey.

Here's a hint for the sport of basketball: tie the bottom of the net closed and you won't have to keep putting the ball back in there. You guys have been playing for how long, and you still haven't figured that out? I just came up with that in like five minutes.

Our galaxy is tens of trillions of miles across, and surrounding it are countless galaxies of comparable size. All the cosmos that we have mapped out are only a grain of sand on a neverending beach. The universe extends infinitely beyond what your brain can even begin to comprehend. So don't even worry, just throw your garbage wherever you want.

The power of hypnotic suggestion is highly underestimated. It may sound silly, but if you keep repeating a message to someone, in time they'll actually begin to believe you. Especially if the message you're repeating is "I'm incredibly annoying", and you scream it every three seconds.

State Og

State Og wasn't around last week, but you can't keep a good man down. Unfortunately, there's not a single employee at State Og that could be considered a good man. Fortunately, they made a pact with Satan and can never truly be stopped.

The way we see it, the trick is to shoot something at Mars and make it hit. There's a lot of tricky math involved, and quite frankly we're all botanists, so we'll just fire Bulgarians into space in random directions and hope for the best.

Wow, I guess Bulgarians are good for something after all. Check out this week's State Og!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)