THE JERK STORE CALLED

The Jerk Store called. No idea who it was for, they just left a message on the voice mail saying to call them back. They didn't leave a number either.

The Jerk Store called. They said your mother just walked out in front of one of their trucks. There was nothing the driver could do.

They Jerk Store called and they told me to tell you that all the bands you think are cool are actually the worst bands.

The Jerk Store called and somebody on the other end said "atheism" but it had a Doppler effect to it like maybe they were spinning in a chair while they were saying it.

The Jerk Store called to talk to you about Hegel. They promised they'll call back when you're around.

The Jerk Store called to remind you of all your dead pets. Especially your favorite.

The Jerk Store called to let you know they dropped the cake and it fell face down.

The Jerk Store called and they just said "Obamacare" in a really sarcastic tone.

The Jerk Store called. They were sort of mumbling and inaudible, but it sounded important.

The Jerk Store called and your prescription for clown idiot pills is ready to be picked up.

The Jerk Store called and they wanted you to know your pre-order for Dungeon Keeper 3 is never going to be refunded.

The Jerk Store called about your tiny baby dick again. They wanted to know how your baby dick is doing. What should I tell them if they call about it again?

The Jerk Store called to remind you that nothing happens for a reason, especially not tragedies.

The Jerk Store called and asked me to pass along that you belong in a toilet because you are a big turd. Then they flushed a toilet by the phone.

The Jerk Store called. No message, but I'm pretty sure they were gesturing at their crotch.

The Jerk Store called. They thought I was you and a smell like farts on a hot garbage pile came out of the phone.

The Jerk Store called and they wanted to know whether your ancestors were the ones who owned slaves or the ones who murdered Native Americans. I wasn't sure so I said both. Hope that's alright.

The Jerk Store called and just yelled a bunch of spoilers for shows you're watching.

The Jerk Store called like fifteen times and every time as soon as I answered they hung up.

The Jerk Store called and when I picked up I heard your name followed by a high pitched tone and a series of clicks.

The Jerk Store called and wanted me to pass along the message that pro wrestling isn't real. Its staged. It's all planned out.

The Jerk Store called and just listed a bunch of embarrassing things you said and did all throughout high school.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)