Permit Me to Construct For You the Ultimate Man Cave

Buddy, what you need is a man cave.

What do you got, like 800 square feet? We can do a pub theme, easy. Gonna go right over that drywall with split tone real wood paneling. Trust me, it's going to look just like a bar. You like Cheers? We'll do Cheers.

Do a ten foot wraparound wet bar with four taps. What do you want on tap? We'll do two beers, a macro and a micro, maybe like a Bud Ice and your favorite IPA. You like that hemp IPA? The real hoppy one? Throw that in there, put margaritas and rootbeers on the other two.

You're gonna need a TV, right? Coscto has the 110 inch LG Plasma. 1080P, 3D, real crisp and good blacks. Throw that up on the wall, make a little movie theater. You want reclining seats? We can do two-tier stadium seating. Three rows. Speakers in the seat and 12.1 surround in the walls. We can do a curtain that opens and closes over the screen.

You need a soundproof room with a steel door that locks from the outside? No windows? No problem. We put one of those in for that basketball player. You know. We can wire it into the gas line so you just hit a switch and fill the room with natural gas. Oh, yeah, most things. Most things. Maybe like if they get down on the floor they can last a couple extra minutes. Then you just put a fan in to suck it all out. Don't want to go lighting any cigarettes.

You like pool? Pool with the guys? We can drop a mud chute in and tile off this room here. Dude diaper warmer. Hot wrap for your business. You like woad patterns? Ceremonial woad drip you can honor the nameless ancients right here. Sticks of wise herb to chew. Doubles as a manpig wallow so you're going to want a hook drawer. Put in a double grate for blood and a spigot. Just turn that sucker on...wooosh! Clean you right up, assuming it's not Angsley's Day where all your deeds must stain your skin.

Do you have a Wifestone already? We'll lower the foundation, drop in a wifestone, one of those big, veined ones that came from the meteorites. Succubus dreams, incubus dreams, whatever you want, buddy. Not my place to judge. Save it for the Ordo Expurget and the Lust Deacons. What I can promise is lucid throes with depraved dream servants of the choleric urges.

Some people like to keep their manpigs pale so they keep them in the basement. You want pens down here? We've got some great Japanese pens, mini-elevator, remote control, cube doors. Self-cleaning. They have built in speakers in each pen so you can play your chants right into the cubes. Get them all whipped up before the hooks.

Buddy, you want an illuminated seraph? Get you one of the faceless ones with the slightly feminine bodies. Diaphanous vestments finished in gold thread. We'll put in a carven alcove with ornamental architraves and friezes from all the great tribulations against the Irredeemed, clockwork figures and a humidity detector that will activate your thurible when your seraph's heart begins throbbing to the aching wound of sin. Get you an auto-thurifer with ten sacramental incenses.

You want some posters on the walls? We'll frame out poster boxes for six different ones and you can swap out whatever you want, whether it's obedience declarations or the many-eyed wych scrolls of fallen seraphs.

You like Bestlen the Scourge of New York? Lyra the Mother of Agony? Addaq'Baar, Flood of the Red Rivers of Toronto? Got real instantiated relics that carry the whispers of fallen hosts. Whatever you like, man, I got a buddy who works at the Imagus Scriptorum who can get you whatever at like cost plus five percent.

Oh, before I forget, you want a mini-fridge? No? How about a serpent of frost to coil around your dead and preserve them for the Last Confrontation?

You need a bottomless pit? A maker space? A workshop for the struggle? Do you already have a flayer living with you? We can...nope...okay, just going down the list. Oh, a bathroom? You want a half bath, a full bath, a double bath, or an infinite bath that extends your shower into post-geometry? Drop a granite bench in there, real stone tiles, body jets, conscience jets, a hand that comes out of the wall and jerks you off. Ha ha! Just making sure you were paying attention. Whatever you want, we'll bend it beyond the possible limits of reality.

Chhhh...oohhh...do you only wear the flesh of man over your blasphemous chitin or are you a real human? Because if you're a scuttling devourer of manpigs or born of free flesh I can work it out. We can do everything just like I said but add a three-foot brine line for you and some hot rocks instead of stools at the bar. No?

Alright, well that's just about it. I'll have the contractors in here this week. If you need anything else, just let me know, we are forever linked by the unseen cords of blood and bound in the mass waking nightmare that punishes us all. I will sense your desires as if they were my own. Or you can text me. Whatever.

You can read more of Zack's man cave tips on his Facebook page.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)