My Address to the 17th Annual Show Pig Roundup of Greely, Ohio

These are dark times. The birds take flight and the animals flee the forest as if sensing the coming of a great and terrible force. Fissures appear in the earth, opening and cracking apart to show us the deep red heart fires of our doomed planet. The pyres that light our burning cities cast an impenetrable cloud of smoke high into the skies so that it is perpetually night. The soil no longer sustains our crops, our food stores have gone sour, and even the rivers and lakes which we rely on for fresh water are now contaminated with the diseases carried by the bobbing corpses of our endless dead.

But that doesn't mean we can't have one hell of a Show Pig Roundup this year! Whoooooeeeee boy! I am excited as all get out to see this astounding lineup of show pigs. Last year will be hard to beat, but if Mr. Reilly's prize sow is any indication, then we is pretty close to doing it already and it's the first gal-darned day.

I am really getting ahead of myself here on this one though. Let me first start out by saying that we are all honored to have TJ's overall prizewinner from last year rejoining us. The one, the only, "Saddam Hogssein" can be seen in the blue barn and TJ will be signing autographs and answering questions. On the last day we can look forward to finding out what Saddam tastes like during the pork cook off. TJ will be supplying all of the meat including "Saddam Hogssein", his runner-up from last year Blue Bird, and the world's most charming pig, the pig with all the personality; Lady Deloris! If she tastes half as sweet as she acts then I know we will be in for a treat.

Kids, why not take your parents to the red barn and get a look at "Smokey", the Greely Police Department's very own STD Awareness hog?! Smokey will be teaching kids about how abstinence and prayer can protect them from the dangers of sin and sin-related viruses. Learn from Smokey and his piglet sidekick "Sugarcubes" just how Hepatitis-C can be spread by inattention during sermons.

Speaking of sermons, newcomer to the Greely Show Pig Roundup Arnie "Hap" Janklow will be performing a drama pageant with the help of his 238 pound darling "Jesus Christ". Inspired by Mel Gibson's "The Passion", this musical version of the crucifixion and scourging of Jesus will include authentic costumes, singing and dancing, hilarious Jews, and free fried dough treats for the children. We're hoping we don't see any technical problems like we did during last year's Janklow production of "Black Hog Down". Just in case Greely's fire and rescue van will be on the scene.

Did somebody say pork fritters?!

Janine Randall and her tri-county area famous pork fritters will be available from 10 to 10 at the hog palace near the south entrance. Joining Janine this year will be her daughter Freebird who is promising to debut her very own recipe for pickled hog's face. According to my sources she's been working on it all summer, so be sure to give those hog's faces a taste test. As usual we'll have dollar drafts of Natural Light after 6 PM.

There is plenty to do for the whole family. Check out the Fun N' Games Pavilion, where we have set up some of the funniest, kookiest, and spookiest games and rides for the whole family. Old Man McElroy's Haunted Pig Graveyard and Hog Freak Exhibit includes a ride through the haunted Pig Manor and a walk through tour of some of the most terrifying pigs you have ever seen. Old Man McElroy has the bones of the pig from "Green Acres", he's got "Porkahontas" the oldest living Injun pig, the horrifying pig with five eyes, and the unbelievable and still living "Elephant Hog".

If that's too scary for you then check out "Bongo" the dancing pig and her monkey friend "Snickerdoodle". She's sure to put on quite a show again this year, although please do not try to touch her, we had an incident last year and we do not want any kids getting bit. You can also compete in the bobbing for pig's feet or the rind toss booths to win a chance at a honey glazed ham from Farley's Grocery on Poplar Boulevard in downtown Greely.

Alright folks, the Hog Snooker show is up first at 9:00 AM, followed by Warner's Good Times Pig Chase. We've got a cake walk at 10:30 - bring all the kids - and then Bargain Jack Heating and Air Conditioning will be sponsoring our yearly pork taffy pull. Take a break during lunch and listen to the tunes of local son Allan Rorey and the Flap Jack Jug Band. In the afternoon we've got the main judging for the Most Honest and Most Rowdy pig competitions and this evening following the hog buggy races we'll get to hear from stand up comedian Cornpone and watch a live telecast of a Toby Keith concert in Atlanta.

Thank all of ya'll for coming.

Robocop Phriday

Livestock here, leading you on with another false introduction. Robocop is nowhere to be seen this week, instead we have a new Photoshop Phriday that continues last week's theme of "Magazine Mayhem." The results this week are just as swell, so enjoy them or keep your mouth shut.

Read it already, you crazy lunatics!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)