Special NBC Olympic Coverage

With over a billion dollars spent for exclusive coverage rights and a large time delay to prepare footage for American audiences, it still seems like NBC approached this like a college freshman approaches midterms. Sloppy, uninterested, and possibly drunk. Let's check out some of the special features NBC has brought upon the masses for this Olympic extravaganza

Telecast

• Scores posted during the Chinese gymnastic floor routine did not reflect athletes' performance, but in fact select Game Genie codes to Starfox64.
• The official 2012 logo has been replaced with a logo better fitted for golf shirts.
• Women's fencing qualifying matches were seamlessly replaced with an endless cycle of Subway commercials, encouraging viewers to Eat Fresh.
• Seven available camera angles for the men's synchronized diving telecast, all overly focused on butts pinched in the tiniest bathing suits.
• The last twenty seconds of the women's 400m backstroke was clipped to premier a promo for NBC's new comedy "Guys with Kids."
• There will be no discussion or on-air time for any country doing better than the United States regardless of how poorly the U.S. team is performing. Thirty second clips of other teams may be shown if foreign athlete falls over or injures self in humiliating fashion.
• To better the viewing experience, the following sounds have been overdubbed: Judo punches, weightlifting grunts, the wailing metal guitar solo whenever a USA track athlete clears a hurdle, and every gold winning athlete's victorious scream of "I love Visa, the card of the Olympics."

Commentary

• Bob Costas joined the analysis of the archery competition to talk about a weird dream he had.
• Repeatedly letting viewers know exactly which black athletes are from the Bronx and which are not.
• Making "Boioioing" noises whenever the Brazilian beach volleyball players enter the court
• RYAN SEACREST!!!!!!
• Seven straight minutes without Phelps chat. An NBC Olympic World Record.
• Expert Opening Ceremony analysis of "Whoa&Wait...I don't&Huh?!"
• During soccer corner kicks, viewers were rewarded with on-air cameos from the cast of NBC's new comedy "The New Normal."
• Calling all women athletes "Sexy Chica Mamas" or "Lil Girls"
• To ensure viewers are no way invested in the spectacle or plotting of gymnastics, all commentators will talk in the past tense when non-American athletes are performing.

"Indepth" Post-Event Questions by Andrea Joyce

• To Lochte's mom: "Are you as disappointed with your son as the rest of the country?"
• To American table tennis player Wu Jiaduo after losing to Singapore's Feng Tianwei: "You've lost in a sport most popular in college dorms to an opponent from a fake country. Are you as hopeless as I imagine?"
• To skeet shooting champion Vincent Hancock: "You've sacrificed so much of your life for this moment. You have literally nothing left. Was it worth it?"
• To women's gymnastics team after winning gold: "Are you as excited about NBC's new comedy "Go On" as I am?"
• To Phelps: "You're a washed up turd and I hate you. I am aware that that is not a question."

Overarching Olympic Features

• The following internet searches are temporarily banned to protect NBC's exclusive rights: Olympics, games, Olympic Cameras, London, Olympia, WA, Beach Babes, sport, sports, sprot, why can't I watch this on bbc?
• To ease confusion NBCSports will play Poker After Dark.
• NBC has kindly asked the world to not talk about anything that has happened during the day until Primetime.
• Any event that lasts over four minutes is to be truncated to said length and interspersed with commercials, segments on Nebraska, and clips from NBC's new comedy "Animal Practice."
• Online coverage is enhanced with authentic internet experiences like: Low Resolution! Strange Blackouts! 404 Page Not Found! Inaudible Commentaries! Even Further Delayed Broadcasts! (AOL Keyword: Olympic Fun!)

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)