Patch Notes: The Internet

Today the internet has been patched to version 1.04, addressing various issues and introducing several quality of life features. If you are still running 1.03 you may need to restart your device before these changes take effect.

Bug Fixes

• The internet is now displayed at 100% scale. In all previous versions it was appearing at 80% scale due to a minor rendering bug. Images, text, and videos should appear noticeably crisper.
• Finally tracked down the faint skittering noise that internet users have been reporting for years. Turns out it was a raccoon, stuck in the wires. Coaxed her out with a glob of peanut butter on a celery stick.
• All text has been cleaned up. The entire internet is now free of spelling errors, capitalization, and improper grammar. Any posts/articles/comments created after today will be addressed in patch 1.05.
• Scrolling down a page "too quickly" for 10+ seconds no longer reveals a shimmering portal to the True Web.
• Hunted down a stray scrap of code which had been turning personal websites, webrings, and guestbooks into social media sites and displaying concise, insightful how-to articles as meandering, gormless videos.
• Closed a memory leak that kept users from progressing beyond the druid's puzzle in level four.
• Fixed a bug in which website writers were criminally underpaid and mistreated while CEOs earned insane salaries for making terrible short-sighted decisions that screwed everyone over.
• Water will no longer drip between the pixels of users' screens when they visit a website displaying the word "Waterworld".

New Features

• Users who turn their screens around can now see the back of every webpage.
• By popular demand we brought back blind links to the original Goatse site.
• Speed has been improved by 10% to compensate for the secret throttling implemented by various ISPs and corporations. That's just the stuff we can talk about. You seriously don't want to know what else these guys are up to now that Net Neutrality is gone. It'll probably come out in a few years, but we'll let you enjoy the blissful ignorance for now.
• Big Head Mode!
• Full support for all 26 letters on a standard Latin-script keyboard. Congratulations, S.
• A brand new energy-saving mode which puts the entire internet to sleep after fifteen minutes of worldwide inactivity.

Brunto

• Brunto has been contained.
  

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)