Welcome to the exciting world of wheeled scooting! Once only available to Hollywood celebrities like Paul "Pee-Wee Herman" Reubens, scooter use is now accessible by the unwashed public for a nominal fee. Now that you are no longer a lowborn pedestrian, confined by the fleshy chains of your muscles and sinew, you may feel like some sort of superhuman, cursed to wheel the earth amongs the street scum. This is very much true. But while man's laws can no longer touch you, the following tips will help you take full advantage of your newfound godhood.
On the sidewalks, the fastest have the right of way. You might have heard ominous whispers that it's illegal to ride electric scooters on the sidewalk. We're relieved to tell you these are nothing more than vulgar lies cooked up by intrusive safety groups who seek to destroy innovative tech companies and rob sanitation crews of the important experience of cleaning blood from concrete and asphalt. In the city, the laws of the animal kingdom apply, and the fastest among us have the most rights. And if you knock someone down, you'll likely be at least a block away before they can get back on their feet and identify you. (For legal reasons we cannot recommend changing shirts several times during your ride to mask your identity, but please remember it remains an option.)
Going fast? Why not multi-task? Since it's been established that you don't have to watch where you're going while using an electric scooter--while keeping note that by downloading our app, you waive any right to sue--you can also accomplish several tasks that the demands of car driving simply won't allow. Why not enjoy your morning coffee while taking a conference call and eating a breakfast purchased at seven times its actual value from a food truck with a clever name? You are king in this domain of hogs and their concerns are not yours. If you don't send a least three people flying into a damp gutter while screaming into a Bluetooth earpiece about ROI on your morning commute, your bloodline is not pure enough for scooter culture.
Done scooting? Leave it anywhere! We haven't quite figured out a "business plan" yet, because honestly, who has the time!? All we know is that whenever you're done with your scooter, abandon it wherever you see fit. It doesn't even have to be out of the way of pedestrians, because, honestly, fuck them. Hurl it into traffic if you want! And if you're worried that our disabled friends may have problems getting around your discarded scooter, consider that you've just given them a new challenge to overcome, which may possibly inspire onlookers. Whatever happens, our scooter budget is limitless as long as our venture capital funding continues, and we can only assume it will continue far into the future. But please remember that if you step onto one of our scooters without first purchasing time on the app, it will call the police.
YOU decide who lives and dies now. Have fun! You've been thinking about it for years. The power to snuff out human life. Who knew it existed via the means of an eco-friendly electric motor activated by an app that may share your contacts with our Chinese parent company (please the EULA)? Soon, earth will fall under the rule of Scooter Law, and you may be one of the Scooting Dukes, rolling across the blasted plains, and dealing two-wheeled justice as you see fit. And you better not be a cop, because we keep having problems with those guys.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful