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Richard Dawkins to Retire as Vice President

Smug atheist intellectual and Vice President Richard Dawkins has quietly announced that he will not be campaigning with Obama in 2012. Citing increasing age and lack of prayer, Dawkins will step down, freeing the spot for the Obama administration to find a new person more loathsome to Americans than a black man.

"We're thinking of going gay, but atheism seems to be the key," said an anonymous Secret Service official. "A pedophile has been floated as one possibility, although we would have to check if there are any schools too close to the VP mansion. Whoever we pick, they will be a gigantic asshole 24/7."

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People Who Slightly Resemble Kramer

Obama Meeting with Kim Jong Il Results in Accidental Surrender of South Korea

White House officials are struggling to explain how a brief diplomatic meeting between President Barack Obama resulted in the surrender of South Korea to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il.

"We're still trying to determine what exactly happened," White House Spokesman Katt Williams said this morning. "President Obama was upbeat about a possible nuclear disarmament treaty. He was smiling when he walked into a closed session with Kim Jong Il. We heard a scream and he came running out just as the North Korean flag was going up the flagpole."

Foreign policy experts blame Obama's naive plan to meet with hostile foreign leaders. "This is what happens when you try to talk with these people," suggested Heritage Foundation expert Richard Evilwitz. "You can't talk to Hitler, and trust me, they're all Hitler."

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Erotic Military Fetish Fantasies

Defeat of US Forces in Iraq Complete

The withdrawal of the last US combat brigade from Iraq was completed Wednesday amid increasing civil war between various factions of foreign fighters.

The defense of the 750 square mile US Embassy Arcology was handed over to private contractors from a shadowy military contracting corporation that does not have a name and may employ soldiers made out of dead soldiers like in that movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Terrorists are expected to begin landing on US beaches within the week.

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