SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Democrats

John Edwards

Stats:

Current job: Between jobs/So rich he doesn't need to work.

Favorite color: Cherry red.

America? Yes/No: Yes.

Political Views:

Gay marriage: "There is a major lack of concession on the gay side of this debate. If just one person in the couple would agree to pretend to be a woman for the marriage and then keep pretending to be a woman for the rest of his life and never let anyone know who he really is, then they could get married any time they want. Stop being so stubborn, gays!"

Poor people: "The problem in America is the growing disparity between the poor and the rich. Also the growing disparity between the no trespassing signs around by 102 acre estate holding my 28,200 sq foot home, and all those damn poor people who ignore the signs and camp on my property. It's like, hey guys, I'll be happy to help you when I'm president, but let's respect my right to a private forest, ok? Being greedy isn't attractive."

Black people: "We cannot build enough prisons to solve this problem. Pretty soon we're not going to have a young African-American male population in America. They're all going to be in prison or dead. Have you seen that documentary 'Prison Planet' on the Discovery Channel? That is what America will become; a prison planet, our entire population locked behind steel bars.

Wait, my aide is informing me the show is actually named 'Animal Planet' and is about animals. With this news, I must change my opinion. Prisons are no place for animals, not even the cruel, killer dogs Michael Vick was forced to bodyslam to death."

Vote for him?

Pro: His wife is dying and his son is already dead, so there's a chance he could become a cool nothing-to-lose Jack Bauer type president.

Con: Part of that quote about black people was absolutely real. Whoops!

Dennis Kucinich

Stats:

Current job: Representative of Ohio/Magical dwarf

Favorite movie: Scarface

If he was a fruit: He'd be an apple

Political Views:

Prison system: "I don't know what Mr. Edwards is saying. Have you seen that show 'Prison Break'? That show is kick-ass. I don't think we really have much of a problem in our prison system if prisons are that cool."

Illegal Immigration: "People who complain about this issue are missing the point. Illegal immigrants work cheap, follow the instructions of people who pay them, and don't know enough English to argue with anyone. If I am made president, I will immediately replace all government officials with illegal immigrants."

Vote for him?

Pro: It's the second easiest way to take a completely ineffective stand, just behind email petitions.

Con: He's basically Nader if Nader had been too pussy to leave the Democratic party.

I hope this cleared things up for you, and check back in a couple weeks for our guide to the Republicans.

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink